So now you know.

Or: Fifteen Ways to Crack an Egg

Every few months, the media feels inclined to warn us of the impending break up of Belgium. And these news reports have been steadily feeding us for what? The past hundred years?

It is said that Belgium is, not only the only failed nation state in the world that actually works, but that it is also an accident of history. It’s not hard to imagine why. Consider this: In the summer of 1830, after a night of heavy drinking at the opera, some blokes woke up the next morning, not only discovering that they had acquired a set of cool new tattoos, but that they had also in-avertedly created a new country.

The day after

And they weren’t the only ones who were shocked by this. So was the rest of Europe. They didn’t quite know what this new country was for, or what to do with it. But it didn’t take long before everyone realized that no good would come of this, and that it should either be returned to the Dutch, or handed over to the French. Well, at least before someone would actually take this whole new nation thing seriously.

Unfortunately, the stiff-upper-lipped British, who at that time still hadn’t been exposed to Monty Python, failed to see the humor in all of this, and decided to make the whole affair official. Belgium was born. Of course, the newly formed Belgians never forgave them for this and started brooding on a conniving plan that would one day accumulate to payback time. More on this later.

Since then, the powers that be have all been hard at work, trying to undo the world of this little historic aberration. Though it must be said that Germany gave up after two disastrous attempts. Proving once again that anything that is created as a temporary solution for a temporary problem, always has the tendency to last forever. It’s a plain fact of life. And with that in mind, when global warming has destroyed our planet, the sun has engulfed our solar system, and the universe is being swallowed by a massive black hole, chances are, you’ll still be reading reports of the impending break up of Belgium.

It’s complicated

By now, you’re probably asking yourself: “It can’t possibly be that difficult to tear up a nation? Look at Czechoslovakia!”

True, but that was a case were splitting up this former East European nation was a lot easier than having to spell it’s name correctly each and every time. In Belgium’s defense, there really is no single clean cut solution in dividing it up while keeping all parties involved happy. Yes, if Belgium had a profile page on Facebook, it’s relationship status would be: “it’s complicated”.

Mind you, the following article is no way an attempt to explain how Belgium works, or doesn’t work. That would be too difficult for the uninitiated to understand, or let alone care about. No, this is rather a non exhaustive list on how to break up Belgium seen from several different perspectives:

1. The Outsiders Viewpoint

“The Dutch speaking Flemish should join the Netherlands, because they speak the same language.

And the French speaking Walloons should join France for the same reason.

While the German speaking East Cantons get to return to Germany after all these years.

As for Brussels, it should become an independent European capital district in much the same way as Washington DC relates to the rest of the United States.”

This is the most common solution put forward by outsiders whom  a) have no idea why the Belgians are still quibbling, and  b) nurture the naïve idea that it’s a communication problem because both sides don’t speak the same language.

Hold on a second. If this really was a communication problem, you would think that after over a hundred years of talks, at least one side would have noticed that they actually don’t understand each other. But the fact of the matter is, there are still a sufficient amount of Belgians available that can speak two, or three, or four languages without problem. And it’s even not so uncommon that when two people from both sides who can’t or refuse to speak the language of the other side, will revert to something more neutral instead, like English.

The fact of the matter is, except for a few isolated areas around Brussels, most of the language issues have long been resolved. What we have here instead is your average everyday power struggle over who gets to say what and where. Or put another way: how to spend the tax payers money.

The Flemish Stake

With that in mind, it’s not difficult to see why this solution is a non starter. The Flemish, despite being the majority, have been struggling for equal say in their own country since the early nineteen hundreds. Place six million Flemish people together with sixteen million Dutch people, and all of a sudden, all of that effort is not only lost, but they will be reduced to a small minority. They would now have even less to say then if they had just stayed in Belgium. As such, it wouldn’t take long before we would start hearing about reports of the impending breakup of the Netherlands.

The Francophone Stake

And despite the fact that the Francophones in Belgium are in a minority, thanks to all the checks and balances that protect their rights, they have just as much to lose, if not more, as their Flemish counterparts. They certainly have no reason to leave Belgium. Four million Walloons would not only lose all these checks and balances in a France of sixty-two-million strong, but would also have to live with the fact that everything in their lives would now be dictated to them from Paris. And it doesn’t take much imagination to understand that socialist Wallonia wouldn’t mix all to well with the likes of Sarkozy. Skilled as the Wallonian politicians are, it wouldn’t take long before the impending breakup of France would start appearing in the news, and indirectly inspiring the Basques to do the same.

The European Stake

It’s also why the rest of Europe really isn’t all too enthusiastic about Belgium falling apart. There is the grounded fear that if Belgium disappears, the legions of just-out-of-work politicians that formerly ran this country, would export their breakup-know-how  to other European hot spots seeking independence.

In conclusion: while the Flemish and Francophones may have little in common left with each other, they have even less in common with their same language speaking neighbors.

2. The Luxemburg Viewpoint

If parts of Belgium are going to be distributed around to its neighbors, it’s not hard to imagine that Luxemburg would like part of its old territory returned. When Belgium was given its independence, Luxemburg was split in two. Half of it got to continue as an independent country. The other half became a province in Belgium carrying the same name.

So rather then have the province of Luxemburg in Belgium handed over to France, the country Luxemburg could claim it back as its rightful owner. And while they are at it, why not be opportunistic and court the German speaking East Cantons to join them as well? I’m pretty sure they would be able to offer them better tax incentives, secret banking, and other niceties that Germany proper never could.

Add to that the fact that Luxembourg, however small it is, already recognizes German and French as its official languages. The East Cantons and the province of the same name joining Luxembourg would seem like a match made in heaven.

3. The Flemish Viewpoint

Because Flemish voters can only vote for Flemish politicians (unless you happen to live in Halle or Vilvoorde), they have no democratic say in what happens in the south of the country. As such, the Francophone politicians in the south aren’t accountable to voters in the north. So if money flows from north to south due to the solidarity principle, the south can spend or waste it as they please, and there is very little the north can do about it. Except complain and threaten to go it alone as they are doing now.

The Flemish solution to this problem other than declaring independence? Build more accountability into the system by slowing down these money flows and moving most of the responsibilities to the regions itself. That would mean that Wallonia may receive less money, but because Francophone politicians would then be spending money of their own constituents, there is actually a better chance that they will start spending it a bit more wisely.

And what better way to do this than to get rid of the federal government all together and let the regions sail it out on their own, preferably in confederation. But even if any of that is too much to ask for, the Flemish always have the option to self declare their  independence. And in their ideal scenario for self rule, they get to keep Brussels all for themselves.

4. The Francophone Viewpoint: Plan B

The ones who have the most to lose in a break up of Belgium are in fact the Francophones. In fact, until recently, most just considered themselves to be just Belgians and nothing else, unlike their Flemish counterparts.

As a minority, they enjoy quite a lot of protections, and add to that, also the financial benefits from the no-questions-asked solidarity from the north. They would be hard pressed to find a better deal than this anywhere else. Even the money that is handed out by Europe comes with strings attached. And so it’s understandable that every time the Flemish push for more autonomy, they drag their feet. From their perspective, the breakup of Belgium is the worst possible outcome and the status-quo must be preserved at all costs. The fear is that handing out more autonomy to the regions, even their own, will down the road eventually lead Flanders declaring their own independence.

But that doesn’t mean one shouldn’t be prepared for if things would turn for the worst. Strangely enough, the Francophone contingency plans for an eventual breakup of the country are a lot further along in their planning than that of their Flemish counterparts. And it’s not just one plan, but several. In the event the problem doesn’t solve itself (uncanny how this articles still rings so true three years later), here are the alternatives:

The French Plan

The first natural solution would be to join France. Unlike the Flemish who created their own cultural biosphere when commercial television was introduced (and thus slowly lost their tight cultural bond with the Dutch), the Francophones are culturally still quite well linked with their French neighbors. Politically however, as mentioned earlier before, there would be very little benefits to such a union for the Walloons.

And while France in such a scenario would probably love to take the biggest prize of all: Brussels with all its EU institutions, it’s hardly likely that the other European nations would actually agree to this. Especially if Flanders were to dispute it.

But what about turning Brussels into a European District? There is a good chance that Britain would veto that out of fear this might be the first step in creating a United States of Europe. So in such a scenario where Wallonia joins France, Flanders would have a good chance of keeping Brussels.

As for the German East Cantons, they get to choose if they want to join Germany, or more fittingly Luxemburg.

5. The Francophone Viewpoint: Plan C

I practically fell off my chair when I recently heard one of the top francophone politicians proclaim that in an eventual split, Wallonia should join Germany rather than France. According to his words, despite the language difference, Wallonia has culturally more in common with Germany than it does with France. What can I say, the world is full of surprises. This was also the direct reason why I decided to write this article.

How absurd this may sound, I suppose the thinking went: after having been in union with Germany-light for the past 180 years, why not go for the real thing?

And politically, this might not be such a bad idea. Germany already has an impressive CV when it comes to annexing other countries, and despite their earlier failings, their last attempt, swallowing up East Germany, actually went rather well. Practice makes perfect I suppose. And even though the Ossies were practically bankrupt after years of communism; unified Germany still remains one of the world’s leading economies. Annexing Wallonia should therefore be a piece of cake. And Wallonia would probably enjoy more freedom from Berlin then it would from Paris.

The only question is, what would Germany have to win by this? Being such a big player in Europe, the main prize Brussels would be just as illusive to them as it would be for France.

As for the East Cantons, it would unquestionably go to Germany in such a scenario.

6. The Francophone Viewpoint: Plan D

In this scenario, the Francophones go for full independence. But to spite the Flemish, would take Brussels and a few neighboring Flemish municipalities with them in which the majority of the population speaks French.

In fact, at this point in time, it’s hard to imagine Wallonia going on its own without Brussels as a cash cow. But how would they get the Flemish to give up Brussels so readily? Well, it might not be that difficult after all. Flanders has a love/hate relationship with Brussels. On the one hand, they want to keep it, because it is part of their Flemish heritage. On the other hand, they know they’ve lost this city a long time ago and feel it to be completely alien to them. They despise the place for the simple reason that they are forced to speak French there, despite it officially being a bilingual city. So other than for the central European role it plays, there is no practical reason to keep it.

So for the Francophones to keep it, all they have to do is buy it off of the Flemish. How? Quite simple: Wallonia and Brussels will continue living together as a smaller version of Belgium. In return, they also get to keep the largest part of the national debt. Given the choice between keeping Brussels, or being almost dept free, it’s very likely that Flanders would happily choose the latter. Unless they get all emotional about it at the last minute. In that case, we might once again be in for another long set of talks and political crisis’s. Especially if it involves giving up some Flemish territory around Brussels as well. But hey, what else is new?

7. The Belgian Viewpoint

Believe it or not, but some Belgians actually still believe they are Belgians. They’re just scratching their heads as to how things got so complicated. I mean really, six governments to run a country of just ten million people? And that’s not including the municipal, provincial and European bodies of government that we get to vote for as well.

It’s ironic that with so many levels of democratic institutions in Belgium, that the more we have to vote, the less things gets decided.

So while the rest of the world wonders how it’s possible that Belgium runs like clockwork for months on end without any sign of civil unrest or crisis management, the answer is quite simple: There is a lot of redundancy built in. In fact, one could say that Belgium’s number one export product are politicians. While the British are still struggling with the game “try and name ten famous Belgians”, little do they realize that they are taking up many of the top spots in major world organizations. President of the EU? Belgian. Head of the organizers of the London 2012 games? Yep, Belgian too. But I digress.

For the true Belgian, the solutions seem obvious and simple. But just like all outsiders, most Belgians don’t understand how this complicated country works either, or why, or even how.

A Divided People

But rather than the naïve outsider who would simply split up Belgium by handing it over to its neighbors, the true Belgian wants to keep it together. The first simple solution being that Belgium should become bilingual over all of its territory, not just Brussels. As I said before, Belgium’s problems have little to do with language, but as it stands now, both sides hardly ever interact with each other. Each side has its own media that they watch and read. They listen to different songs, vote for completely different political parties and don’t even share the same political views. As a matter of fact, what’s even harder than the “name ten famous Belgians” game is the “name ten famous Belgians on the other side of the language border” game. Exclude politicians from this list and you’ll have most Belgians stuttering to get past two or three names.

So by making everyone bilingual, this would at least foster a better understanding of each other on both sides of the language border. Unfortunately, when this idea was opted in the ‘60s, the Francophones refused and the Flemish have begrudged them ever since for them not willing to learn Dutch. But hey, it’s not too late yet. It’s not like the problem of Belgium is going to be resolved by say 2060.

The Belgian Blunders

A second more practical solution would be to have national rather than separate regional parties voted into the federal government.

But what most Belgians have forgotten is that it actually used to be like this and it didn’t work either. It resulted in Belgium acquiring one of the highest national debts in Europe. The Flemish/Francophone tensions were dealt within parties which lead to back-room deals and the emergence of what we call: waffle iron politics. This meant that to keep the peace, any large investment in one side of the country had to be met with just as large of an investment on the other side, even if that side didn’t actually need it.

The result of this is what we like to call the famous blunders of Belgium. This country is literally filled with highways that lead to nowhere, unconnected bridges that cross rivers and canals for no reason, towns with completed subway tunnels and stations that never went operational, a complete artificial university town, and many more marvels and wonders of architecture that were built in places where it never made any economical sense to do so. It’s as if the Belgian surrealists gave up painting and went into landscaping, after they realized they could get much more work done as politicians with our tax payers money.

The only way to make this scenario work again is if we were to ask the people of Congo if they would be so kind as to allow their re-colonization by Belgium. In return for law and order, we would plunder their resources, so that once again, we can build overpasses that, in practice may not lead to anywhere, but symbolically bridge the language divide between north and south. For the Belgians are most happy when they get to build things.

The Belgian Bureaucracy

Other then that, the only hope the true Belgian has to keeping this country together is creating ever more complicated bureaucratic constructs, adding a new body of government here, an extra parliament there; what ever it takes to confuse the rest of us into believing that everything is fine and fair. The cynical view is that all power rests in Brussels anyway, whether it’s regional, communal, federal or European. All that really happens is that certain powers are simple moved to a different address within the same city.

8. The Brussels Viewpoint

Even though Arabic is spoken on the streets and English is taking over the offices in Brussels, it is still largely considered a Francophone city despite it being officially bilingual. (Bilingual in the sense of French and Dutch, rather than Arabic and English).

Why do we call them Francophones? Well, because not all French speakers in Belgium are Walloons. This is due to Brussels, which once was a Flemish town with Flemish inhabitants. But they didn’t move away. Instead, these inhabitants decided to speak French exclusively, because at the time, it was considered more civilized. In their eyes, only the poor and uncultured spoke Dutch, and it was this attitude that made it possible for the longest time, that French was the only official language of Belgium, even in Flanders.

The Brussels Enigma

In a way, it’s the Flemish French speaking elite of Brussels who created this whole mess to begin with, and even to this day, Brussels remains the enigma that is preventing any simple solution to solving the problem of Belgium.

Yet even today, Brussels continues to allude its ruling class. Once Flemish, yesterday French, today Arabic and tomorrow English? Brussels belongs to nobody and everybody. It’s both beautiful and extremely ugly. It’s a forward looking backwards place that is home to poor migrants and rich Eurocrats. Brussels is successful despite it being a failure. Yes, it’s the heart of everything surrealistic that doesn’t see itself as part of either Flanders or Wallonia. It’s a city with a mind of it’s own.

But that being said, the Francophones still see it as theirs birth right. As a matter of fact, they believe that Brussels is entitled to much more than what it has now. Not only financially, but also territorially. In fact, in this view, Brussels Extra Large would ideally grow to consist of half of the province of Flemish Brabant. Taking out such a huge chunk of Flanders would also have the added bonus of moving more Francophones into this area and making it more difficult for Flanders to split away from Belgium. A cunning plan indeed.

The screams you hear in the background? That’s the Flemish crying “Bloody murder!”

9. The East Cantons Viewpoint: Plan A

While the Flemish and Francophones send the country into its umpteenth crisis, the largely overlooked German speakers in the east sit peacefully on the sidelines wondering why we can’t all just get along together? Yes, it’s ironic, that this part of the country that was annexed twice from Germany after both world wars, would be the vestige of the last true Belgians.

Their ideal scenario would be for Belgium to stay together, but if they could ask for something, at least if anyone would be bothered to even notice them, it would be to create another body of government that would give them the autonomy to not only manage their culture and language as it is now, but also the land that they live. For the latter is still under the jurisdiction of the Wallonian regional parliament. In a way, this might make this simpler for everybody involved, as almost all the other regional and communal parliaments could join as one, as has already happened in Flanders.

10. East Cantons Viewpoint: Plan B

Let’s just say that if Belgium does split up. There is always the possibility for the East Cantons to join Wallonia, France, Germany, Luxemburg, or perhaps even Flanders or the Netherlands. Or they could form their own little nation. An un-survivable idea? Nonsense! All it would take is one very secure bank, a casino and a very low tax regime. They’ll have money flowing-in in no time.

And if they call it Belgium, they might even be able to keep the king.

11. Regional Viewpoint

There are those that believe that the nation state as we know it today should remain untouchable and unbreakable. Then there are those who believe that the nation state has had its day. It’s time for something new: the regions.

It may seem contradictory that a country like Belgium, so hell bent on breaking up, has the most pro EU population amongst all Europeans. How can a people that want to go it alone support an organization as the EU that wants to bring everyone together? A break up of Belgium would prove that the EU experiment has failed? Right?

Wrong. It’s this ever closer integration of Europe that is making the possibility of a Belgian break up ever more likely. How?

Well, to the regionalist, the problem with Belgium is that it’s too big to solve local problems and it’s too small to solve global problems. So on the one hand, it doesn’t really make much sense for Belgium to have its own foreign policy or even its own army. It’s impact on the global stage is simply too small to have any real effect. I’m sure Obama can relate to this every time he calls Belgium with the question if they can spare any more troops for Afghanistan: “Sure Obama, I’m sure we can send five more soldiers. Though I’m not sure how effective they’ll be. We can only afford for them to have four bullets each.“ It goes without saying that some resourced would be more efficiently poled in a larger organization like the EU.

All other problems should be brought as close to the voter as possible. In other words, smaller voting regions. You’re vote has more weight in a population of just fifty thousand then it would in a population of fifty million.

Bye Bye Belgium

In this scenario, nation states such as Belgium would evaporate. Things like law and order would be provided for by the EU while education, culture, economy and buildings permits would be dealt with in a region.

This could mean the further breaking up of Belgium into even smaller pieces, while at the same time the rejoining of historically old alliances. The Belgian and Dutch provinces of Limburg would unite once again. Flanders would shrink even further. Flemish Brabant would probably have the nerve to call themselves Brussels as a way of better marketing themselves to the outside world. And Antwerp would remain Antwerp because everyone knows the world revolves around them.

12. The British Viewpoint

Well, to be fair, this is how Britain does not want to see Europe turned into. But it would teach them a lesson for having created Belgium in the first place. Sure, it may have seemed like a good idea at the time: creating a Belgium in the middle of Europe as a way to keep the continent fragmented and distrustful of each other. But there is a price to be paid for turning Europe’s most prominent battlefield into an independent country.

And unfortunately for the British, the Belgians soon realized after two world wars that there really was no point to their country unless they got a little cooperation from their neighbors. So they convinced the Dutch and Luxembourgers to work together. When that seemed to work out ok, they pitched the same idea to the French and Germans. The coupe de grâce? They eventually managed to trick even the British into joining without offering them an exit strategy. And as you well know, the rest is history.

13. The Safe Corridor Viewpoint

Speaking of nightmares, the Francophones seem to have this silly idea that if Flanders ever does proclaim a one sided independence, it will close all of its borders and thus blocking any direct connection between Brussels and Wallonia. Never mind all the Schengen agreements and open European borders that are currently in place. Something had to be done about this!

The Sonian Corridor

And so to alleviate these fears, one Francophone minister proposed to annex the Flemish Sonian forest and hand it over to Wallonia. Thus creating a safe corridor between it and Brussels.

But what about the other exclaves  in Belgium? Won’t anyone think of them? There is of course the complicated mess of exclaves in enclaves in the Baarle region between Belgium and Netherlands. But as long as both nations remain on speaking terms, we are not going to attempt at creating any corridors here just yet.

The Mouscron Corridor

There is of course the French speaking Mouscron exclave in Flanders. To facilitate a safe passage between it and Wallonia proper, a corridor following the French/Flemish border would seem well suited.

The Voeren Corridor

A similar situation exists on the other side of the country in Voeren, a Flemish exclave in Wallonia. In order to connect Voeren to Flanders, here too a corridor would need to be created encompassing the land between the river Meuse and the canal following the Dutch border.

The Vennbahn Corridor

And lest we not forget the East Cantons. The Eupen and Eifel regions are also separated by a bit of Wallonia proper. Though the corridor here does in fact already exist: The Vennbahn. It’s an old railroad that crisscrosses through Germany. Only, this long narrow and winding piece of land actually still belongs to Belgium. For when Belgium annexed the East Cantons, this strange border situation was created at the time  for pretty much the same reasons as for why some politicians want to create a Brussels corridor today. Only then, it made  more sense as border checkpoints between countries were still a reality in this part of the world.

14. The Lower Moerdijk Viewpoint

While the Flemish might not be too enthusiastic about joining the Netherlands, our fellow Dutch neighbors are more welcoming of the idea. Or at least to a degree. While the Dutch may lack a language divide, they do have a cultural/religious one. Everthing below the Moerdijk is generally speaking a catholic region, and everything above it is Calvinist in nature. As such, the people living in the lower Moerdijk have a tendency to feel closer at home with the Flemish then their Northern countrymen.

So rather than have Flanders join the Netherlands, they would rather break away from Holland and join Flanders instead.

This scenario would also seem fitting to contemplate Wallonia joining Luxemburg rather than France of Germany and creating a new country called Belux or Wallux.

15. The Greater Dietsland Viewpoint

I’m not sure if you’ll still find a lot of supporters for this today, but during the world wars, there were quite a few people who were receptive to the idea of forming a huge German federation. For many of the Flemish collaborators during the wars, they saw this as an answer to gain more rights than they would in a unified Belgium. It’s this connection that after the wars slowed down the progress of the Flemish movement in gaining more autonomy. Even today, the Francophones are still quick to make this link if it can block any meaningful discussion in changing the status quo.

In Conclusion: The Almost Impending Breakup of Belgium

But before we get ahead of ourselves, many of these scenarios depicted here are still far off. We have to keep in mind that several generations of politicians have spent the past forty years trying to split up a single voting district, and still without any success or end in sight. Breaking up an entire country as complex as Belgium is of a whole different order.

Yes, most other countries would have long chosen the path of civil war over such a dispute, and it is amendable that the Belgians have decided otherwise. The truth is, most people here don’t care enough to spill blood over it, let alone stage even the simplest protest march to vent any anger they may have. Government or not, beer needs to be brewed and chocolate made. life goes on as if it were any other day.

But forget everything I’ve just said for a moment. Because, if you’ve read any of the most recent reports in the news, it’s now quite apparent that Belgium really is on the verge of finally splitting up. ;-)

Play the Modern Times Game! The idea for this game came to me in a dream. It is based on a scene from Modern Times, a Charlie Chaplin film. It’s the one where Chaplin is working on an assembly line, mind numbingly screwing in bolts with a spanner until he finally goes mad.

What inspired me most is the fact that reality simulation games are ever so popular nowadays, especially on Facebook. I can understand that running your own virtual farm can be considered challenging and rewarding is some way. Having to regularly clean your online aquarium on the other hand is starting to move in Tamagotchi land.

But when I saw my sister the other day playing a game where you have to make hamburgers in a fast food restaurant, that too me just seemed a tad absurd. Nobody enjoys doing this demeaning tasks in real life, yet once it is moved into the virtual realm, it all of sudden becomes fun and games.

And so I’ve created the ultimate reality game. Yes, like Charlie Chaplin in the film, you too can become a factory worker on an assembly line at the time of the depression. In order to play this game, you need to switch your mind to zero and get to work.

Like a real job, each level takes 12 hours to complete. You are however afforded a break half way through during each working day. So it does take some endurance to complete each shift in one go, but keep in mind that you are rewarded for your hard work. I believe the pay is about ten dollars an hour. But the last time I played, the work pace was upped meaning you’ll probably earn more if you don’t get fired for slacking. So it’s not like your earning minimum wage here and it may even be worth giving up your day job just to play it.

Ironically, it takes longer to play a single shift of this game than it took me to actually create it.

Have fun. ;)

Hello! My name is Anara and I would like to start a conversation with you. I hope that you will answer me. I would like to know more about you and see some of your pictures as well.

I live in Russia and I am 27 years old now. I hope to see the only serious intentions from you, not the game or just the desire to hold your fun time for our conversation.

With respect and a desire to see your reply soon, Anara.

P.S. I hope that we will be able to speak English, the language I know well, but I’m ready to learn French in the future!

One thing I’ve learnt about Russian girls is that they all seek the creation of serious relationships. Though I’m not sure what Victoriya is implying. Is she suggesting we make kids first as a way of getting to know each other?

My name is Viktoriya
I like your profile! I would like to get acquainted with you and I want find out you better. I search for the man for creation of serious relations.
I would like to tell a little about myself, I the kind, fair and loving person, I very much like kids. I am assured we could to get acquainted.

I can send you my photos and tell you more about myself..
I will wait your letter..

Maybe it’s because Russian girls are so into creating things that I find their letters so appealing. I happen to be a creative person too! And Amarina gets straight to the point.

Hello!
Your profile has interested me more than the others, therefore I have decided to write to you. I the usual girl searching for serious relations, for family creation. I very much would like to get acquainted with you.
I hope that you will not leave my letter without the answer.

Apparantly, I’m in some Russian Internet Dating agency database, though I haven’t been able to track it down yet. That would also explains all the love letters. I can only wonder what it says about me to attract so much willful attention. And Tanya is no exception. She’s even offering me the BIG LOVE! How can you say no to that? Though I have to admit, I am a bit concerned for her health. Living in a place called Asbest can not be a good thing.

Hello my friend!!!
This letter arrived to you from Russian Internet dating agency “The Relationships”.
This is not spam or other bad things. So, please, answer to me!!!

My name is Tatiana. I’m 32 years old from small city Asbest, 86 km from Ekaterinburg, Russia.
I addressed to agency “The Relationships” and they sent my letter to you.
I want to search man from THE WEST for friendship and love.
I’m not married and have no children. I’m blonde woman with good body and great heart.
I’m open for big love!!! So, please, answer to me if you have interest to me.
I send my photo to you now. I hope that you will like me…

Best regards,
Yours Tatiana

With so much choice, how does one go about picking the one serious love for family creation? And while I meander on the thought of one day speaking with a girl fluent in Russian Bride English, I wish you a happy valentine’s day and that you may not be left without the answer.

I have long held the belief that washing machines can on occasion become accidental portals, which in turn allows travel to other dimensions. It would explain the missing sock phenomena which states that given enough time, you’ll end up with just one half of each pair.

A possible explanation for this, may be due to the centrifugal forces that are created inside a washing machine when it is in spin mode. That, and the combination of all the amazing advancements they’ve integrated into washing powders to give us cleaner than clean clothes. Together. they may be powerful enough to create mini worm wholes, large enough, that something like a sock could disappear in to it. It’s also possible that larger items of clothing might disappear in the same fashion. But because they usually don’t come in pairs, we rarely notice that they were gone in the first place.

A universe filled with missing socks

In other words, it’s more than likely that a universe, in a dimension other than ours, has been turned in to some kind of giant landfill, full of unmatched socks and other missing items.

It then raises the question, if we can build a washing machine big enough, could we send a person through it? And who would volunteer? There’d be no guarantee that one would be able to return back to our world. And spending the rest of you life between mismatched socks is hardly anyone’s idea of paradise.

Traveling back and forth between dimensions

Well, since yesterday, I may have proof that two way travel between our dimensions is possible! Bear with me: I’ve been missing a pair gloves for over a year now. Yesterday, I decided to conduct a full scale search party in the hopes of finding them, but to no avail. Failing to find them, I decided to collect the clothing items that needed to be cleaned, and placed them in my washing machine.

This morning, as I proceeded to empty it, I was surprised to find my missing gloves between the rest of my clothes! The only plausible explanation is that they traveled more than a year ago to another dimension, and then returned this very morning. Two-way inter-dimensional travel therefore must be possible! I can’t imagine the things my gloves have seen, the places they’ve been. But they did return in good condition, so I imagine that were ever went to, it can’t be that hostile for man.

A small spin for man, a giant cleaning for mankind

So if anyone has any ideas on how to build a giant washing machine, it would be greatly appreciated. For if all goes well, it’s very likely we may be on the verge of discovering new worlds and other dimensions. Or at the very least, all our missing socks.

This architectural short film grabbed my attention once I noticed it included the parliament building in Dhaka. I briefly mentioned it in the TEDx post (it includes a link to the video about its history and the life of Nathaniel Kahn, the architect).

This short however starts with some beautiful architectural imagery. It’s filmed in high definition and best viewed full screen. But just when you think that there isn’t that much more to it, it slowly starts to pull you in as a wonderfully strange imaginary world comes to life. One I wouldn’t mind living in to be honest. I was quite impressed by the camera work and first thought it was done with the new range of DSLR’s that support video while offering more depth of field control at affordable prices.

But I was a bit surprised that one would travel all the way to Bangladesh just to film a building. Then I realized the entire movie was created with CGI. Quite impressive as it was all done by one man, Alex Roman, and a lot of time. That it really is all just bits and bytes can be seen here. Real buildings in an unreal world.

A few days ago, a color conspiracy, enacted by women, swept over the social webs to raise awareness and at the same time, pull one over on us men. So now more than ever seems like the appropriate moment to publish an excerpt from the longest ‘short’ story I’ve ever written, but decided not to complete. (I happen to be working on something more important right now). Never the less, rather than leaving this to collect dust, I’ve decided to share with you these little wisdoms and what fascinating things the colors of lingerie have to reveal:

Little Black Books

One of the main characters in the story –  a man –  has a tradition amongst his friends, that every time one of them gets married, they have to hand over their little black book to one of the left over bachelors. It’s their way of closing a chapter in their lives. And when they do, they also have to write down in it, a lesson learnt, and worth passing on, that gives an insight in to the mystery, that beholds every woman.

Our character happens to be the last man to remain unmarried. As such, he has managed to acquire all the life lessons of his tied down friends. Of course, not all these lessons are to be taken seriously and many of them are either childish, or either clichés, rather than useful real life lessons. The classic cliché among them being that the perfect breast size is a handful. No more, no less. Clichés are the words of amateurs.

So one of the more intriguing lessons he received, was passed on to him by a friend who was a real player in his day. From his experience, every woman has a distinct style in the way she makes love to a man. He never really took much notice to it, until it started to dawn upon him that one can tell how a woman is in bed beforehand, simply by looking at the color of the lingerie she’s wearing.  And so came about the men’s guide to color theory:

The First Principle: What’s hidden, is most revealing.

The first principle of the theory, even though it is based on an old joke,  remains relevant, because it holds a grain of truth:

As a man shuts the door behind him – as he leaves for a date with the girl of his dreams –  he can only wonder if he’ll get lucky that night.

When a woman shuts the door behind her –  as she is about to embark on the same date with the man of her dreams – she already knows.

Women, in general, always have the last say. So when they do say ‘yes’, they come prepared. And that includes all layers of fashion, from the shoes on her feet, to the dress she is wearing, and the undergarments beneath it. You can be sure that of all her lingerie, she’ll pick her best set that will surely make her feel sexy, and at the least, unembarrassed when the time comes to reveal her true curves. Lingerie says more about themselves, than it does about the person they are trying to impress.

The Second Principle: The different styles of sex.

The second principle of the theory states that sex is like dancing. They come in many forms and styles.  Some people are great dancers, others just shuffle with their feet. Some of us will try out different forms, while the rest us will stick with what we know.  So you can always expect that when you place someone who is dressed like hip hopper on the dance floor, he’ll hip hop. Only a few will dare to tango when the music changes. Same goes for sex. Though we might role play and try some different things to add some spice to the romance, it’s hard to leave our distinctive styles of making love to the same partner.

It also explains why a man in a perfectly happy relationship with a very experienced partner would still cheat on her. It’s not that he’s looking for something better. Sometimes, he just wants to boogie rather than salsa all the time. And of course, the same goes for her motives to do the same. But before you start thinking, just keep in mind, that when it comes to sex and relationships, few are as forgiving to ask, you save the last dance.

The Third Principle: The color guide.

Just like one is inclined to dress according to how they dance, so to do women choose their best lingerie in harmony to the way they make love. But until I’ve taken part in rigorous scientific tests to ensure that the given results are indeed correct, these observations are best not taken too seriously.

Scarlet Red:

Scarlet red is young at heart, eager to please, but inexperienced. Her idea of sex is formed by what she has seen on the silver screen, and influenced by what she reads in ladies magazines. Therefore scarlet red acts the part of the seductress, believing that this is the path to passion. She has a lot to learn

Bordeaux Red:

It would seem that the color red turns darker with the benefit of experience. Lady Bordeaux no longer makes love in a fashion that she thinks is expected of her, but has discovered that she too is an involved partner. Sex is no longer an act, but a form of art in which she plays center stage. Not only is she a master seductress, she will equally demand – and will even be quite vocal about it – that her needs are met as well. In return, Lady Bordeaux might even teach you a thing or two.

Black

Black may very well be the most complex of all colors to decipher. A discerning gentleman must take note, not just of color alone, but also of texture and garment, if he is to determine what he is letting himself into.

Plain Black Cotton:

Miss Black Cotton, just like Scarlet Red, still lacks experience between the sheets. But while the one seeks passion, the other is wild and raw. For in the mind Black Cotton – whom has still to discover that her body has much more to offer – sex is a no nonsense affaire. Foreplay is formality. She would much rather get to the point. Intercourse is the climax she’s hunting for and she’ll ride you like a wild stallion to achieve it. Stubborn, she is difficult to teach and unwilling to be introduced new things. Hopefully time will turn her into a better lover, but for now, you’ll have to make do. It takes stamina to endure her lust.

On the other hand, Miss Black Cotton, could also be an adventurer in hostile conditions, wearing black for practical reasons. As such, she may not really be showing her true colors. Did I already mention that black is a tricky color?

Black Lace:

Of all colors, Lady Blake Lace may be the most classic of them all. She enjoys a bit of everything, but not too much of anything. Although not afraid to experiment, she avoids extremes and prefers moderation. In her heart, meaning is more important than style or adventure. She does not have sex, but instead makes love. And so for her, missionary is not just acceptable, but respectable. Her on top is sufficiently empowering. And to spice things up, there is always doggy for a touch of naughty. And to complete the list, a spoon will make her swoon.

And while it’s not necessarily technical skills that will impress her, it’s quite ok to introduce new positions into play, as long as they are not too complicated or straining. Just keep in mind that with Lady Black Lace, it’s the feeling that counts. It’s the little attentions that make her happy.

Black Velvet: (& Violet aswell)

You will need to keep an open mind when faced with little Miss Velvet. She’s a tad eccentric and possibly even borderline fetish. She lives in a spiritual world, one filled with candles and symbolism. Sex is something she takes seriously. For her, setting and mood is important, almost to the point it is ritual like. With her, it’s probably never boring. You might find yourself with her in strange places, or discover that a full moon is a reason to dive into bed, or an open field.

Blue

Blue is for the girl who is driven by her fantasies. She has a clear idea of what she wants and will settle for no less. She won’t compromise for something else. Unlike with Lady Black, Blue really appreciates style. It’s also very likely that the film “Dirty Dancing” was a moment of epiphany during her formative years.

Deep Blue:

Lady Deep Blue’s state of mind can probably no better be described than by Kylie Minogue’s song “Slow“. For making love to Lady Deep Blue is an intense affair, slow, and with each other’s eyes locked in an embracing gaze. She’s not the type to spill any words when making love. One must communicate with subtle gestures as not to interrupt the flow of the moment.

Pale Blue:

Miss Pale Blue is infatuated by the exotic. It’s probably her curiosity that may have initially driven her to try something a out of the ordinary, but along the way, must have realized that men from exotic places not only dance differently, they also make love differently. And in that sense, to Miss Pale Blue, sex is just a continuation in bed of something that started on the dance floor. As such, making love to her is no simple affair. Especially for us men who are accustomed to doing only a single thing at a time. It requires skill, rhythm and agility. Just like any exotic dance, every part of your body has remain in motion and in sync with hers: moving, grinding, flowing, feeling.

And so the next time you hear the phrase “Once you go black, you never go back”, size may not be the real reason, and more likely the initial sales pitch.

Yellow:

Yellow is a sex kitten and a rare find. She is acutely aware of her seductive prowess and knows very well how to put her skills to good use. She has a natural born talent in winding men around her finger using just her charm. Unsurprisingly, most women see her as a threat.

Sex with little Miss Yellow is an experience its own right. One might as well just sit back and enjoy as she takes full control and plays you like a toy. She is very assertive in bed, constantly teasing, seducing and having a ball. Don’t be surprised to find yourself gasping for air as you try to keep up with her antics. And it’s probably because she enjoys sex so much she’s surprisingly experienced for her age.

Mixed Match:

Miss Mixed Match doesn’t really care about how she looks. Why spend time and money on lingerie if it’s going to end up on the bedroom floor within seconds anyway? Miss Mixed is the girl next door, and may even be a little bit of a tomboy. For she prefers the company of boys rather than girls. Sex with her is a playful game: something not to be taken too seriously. She’s the girl who is most likely to initiate a cushion fight while making out and will end up wrestling with, before continuing what you started.

Orange:

Pop open a Heineken and celebrate. It’s very likely Miss Orange is a Dutch girl out on a special occasion.

White

It goes without saying that white is the color of innocence and for whom sex is not taken to lightly. In fact, making love to a lady white is like signing a contract of long term commitment.

White Cotton:

Miss White Cotton is the inexperienced clumsy partner in bed. Her insecurity makes her feel a bit nervous and perhaps even somewhat passive. But that does not necessarily mean you’ll have bad sex, quite the contrary. She’s probably the type that will later evolve into becoming a Black Lace lady as her confidence grows. Success with Miss White Cotton is measured by meaning and feeling rather than by technical skill. With her, something as simple as missionary can be magical. But trying anything too complicated or ambitious may very well end up in disaster.

White Lace:

Miss White Lace is the make-believe virgin. She has probably had more prior lovers than she’s willing to admit, but this time round, she’s sure you’re the one. And you better make sure that is the case or there will be hell to pay. As such, making love to her is a bit of a neurotic experience. A rollercoaster ride. Any hint that may endanger your relationship or make her feel insecure will spell trouble. Emotionally, she’s high maintenance. But if you love the passion of big fights followed by making-up sex, she’s your girl.

Pink or Peach

Miss Pink is naively romantic and preciously passive. If in bed, she shows any sign of initiative, it’ll be for hugs and cuddles. Otherwise, she’ll expect you to take the lead and do all the work. If you don’t know any better, have low expectations or simply love always being in control, then perhaps, she’s a dream. Otherwise, she’ll quickly tire with little chance of the both of you living happily ever after.

Deep Purple:

You Tarzan, she Jane! Miss Deep Purple is a jungle girl. She’s into rough wild animal sex. Loud and energetic, it takes quite some endurance to keep up with her as she shows you all four corners of the room. If you ever wanted to try out every position described in the Kama sutra, she’s probably the woman you want to take along with you on this crazy venture. And a wild ride it would be.

Emerald Green:

Unless she’s Irish, Mrs. Emerald Green is the wedding ring amongst the lingerie colors. She already in a relationship with a partner or a husbands somewhere. So if by chance, you should come across her, it’s most likely she’s just out for a fling. Mrs.Emerald Green is seeking a brief encounter of excitement to spice up her life. Making love to her can quickly become a strange cocktail of fantasy, seduction, control and guilt (and possibly even jealous partners). You just can’t tell what you’re getting yourself into with Emerald Green.

In Conclusion

And with that overview, I leave you with just one final question. What is your favorite color? ;)

I’ve always had this nagging feeling that certain places, even though they are physically quite close, always seemed to be so far away. Further even than distant places, simply because they are more time consuming to reach thanks to a lack of direct highways or too many traffic lights along the way.

So while the shortest route between two points may be a straight line, the quickest route on the other hand is determined by the fastest mode of transportation at your disposal. To illustrate this, I created a time travel map that positions cities relative to Brussels based on how long it takes to reach them using only public transportation.

The first striking thing is the effect of high speed train travel. Distant places such as London, Paris, and, in a few days from now, Amsterdam, are now a lot closer to Brussels than ever before. With Thalys and the Euro-Star, Paris is actually seems easier to reach than many places within Belgium. It’s actually quicker to reach Amsterdam with the Thalys, even though it is more than 200km’s away from Brussels, than it is to get to Riemst at only half that distance from the capital.

The time distortions between near by areas can be quite great too. Take for example Hasselt where I live. It’s just under an hour away from Brussels thanks to a direct train line. Zonhoven, which neighbors Hasselt and is only slightly further away from Brussels, but doesn’t have its own train station. So travelers to this town need to switch to a bus on their last leg of their journey. The result of this is that it actually takes them longer to get home than for a Parisian to get back to Paris.

And if you live in Peer, but work in Brussels, you better make sure you have a car. Otherwise you might as well move to Amsterdam if you have to rely on public transportation. I’m also glad I don’t live in Chimay, though this map might explain why they had to brew their own beer. It simply took them too long to get their alcoholic nourishments elsewhere.

While this is not a travel map, but a travel graph, the distance between Brussels and Amsterdam is relative to the transportation mode used.

Of course, this is a static time map. A true time map would naturally have to be dynamic. It would have to be linked to GPS, so if I were in Hasselt, all cities would be positioned relative to my new position. It would also need to be time sensitive. During rush hours, Brussels for example would then grow further away from me as traffic jams would increase the time to get there. For a public transportation based map, a city would grow closer by the second until the next scheduled bus or train arrived. If however you missed it, and there is for example only one bus, your destination would all of a sudden jump an extra hour away from you.

If this data was made public and easy to access, It would make for a nice up to date interactive map you can always carry with you on a smart phone.

As one Belgian – the first European to do so – handed over the command of the ISS back to the Americans, and will be returning to earth shortly after a six month stint in space; another Belgian was handing in his government back to the king, so he can prepare to become the first president of Europe in January.

And I would, for the first time, be visiting the European Parliament in Brussels. As this event pales in comparison to what my fellow countrymen have lately achieved, don’t expect to find my little excursion mentioned in any history book; not even as a small obscure footnote on page 527 or other. But I was there for a reason though. The TEDx Brussels event, also a first, was being held there, an independent spin-off the TED events that have brought world inspiration since… well, since its inception. While the official TED event is by invitation only, they do post videos online of some of their most inspirational speakers and their ideas about the world. Definitely worth a visit if you haven’t heard of it yet.

The European Parliament

The first Parliament building I have ever visited was in Dhaka Bangladesh as child. It was during a school trip shortly after it was completed. It’s an amazing building that probably got me interested in modern architecture. But the European Parliament (EP) doesn’t fail to impress either. As we walked through the Leopold park towards it, a huge complex of post-modern glass and steel emerged from behind the trees. Once inside, it was understandable why our ministers are always so enthusiastic about being seated in the EP. The place has an open, transparent and organic feel to it with rich details and enhancements everywhere. Nothing seems to have been left to chance here and is almost a city in itself. As we were guided thru its labyrinth from one building to the other, I couldn’t help but think: I wouldn’t mind chatting in one of the many open spaces with colleagues about trading tariffs with East Tuvalu if I could work here. Maybe explains why the British tabloids are so green with envy when it comes to the EU. :-)

Due to heavy traffic interfering our journey as we headed to Brussels, we missed the speakers and weren’t allowed in until after the first break. The conference itself was held in one of the smaller hemicycles, but still able to fit in more than 400 guests. The room was surrounded by almost 30 translation booths, seating two interpreters each. It’s an impressive amount just to manage all the different official languages spoken in Europe. Within the half circles center of attention, a simple stage was erected where speakers would advocate their points.

Many guests were apparently TED addicts who seem to live on a regular diet of the inspirational talks you can view on their site. So expectations were high. Many were expecting to be blown out of their minds, or as one of the visitors put it: he wanted to be kept awake at night.

TEDx Brussels

The first session I saw focused mainly on the problems of Africa. While I had the impression that for most, this was a far-from-my-bed-show*, I found the first speaker, Dambisa Moyo, quite interesting. She went on to explain something I had long suspected. That aid to Africa was in fact not helping it, but actually making things worse. The way I see it, anything that is advocated from the top down has no long term benefit. Those at the bottom will eventually become disenfranchised. I believe this is true in politics, urban planning, business and also aid. A bottom up approach has better chance of success. And from my experience when I was last in Malawi, it was from the individuals who were starting to take responsibility for their own future that gave me hope that things will and can get better. But the road is long and the problems faced still plenty.

One good thing about the TED sessions is that they are kept short. Each speaker has twenty minutes to get their point across. Unfortunately, not everyone was able to put together a coherent message and pretty much left their audience behind more puzzled then inspired.

So some of the more memorable talks were from Conrad Wolfram – creator of the Wolfram Alpha search engine – about his vision on how mathematics should be taught. Catherine Verfaillie gave us a down to earth explanation on the state of stem-cell research, the difficulties still faced, and how it will and will not help us in the future once we are able to regenerate cells of our own choosing.
The sessions I found most inspirational was that of time travel by Serguei Krasnikov, which now has gotten me pondering on how to build my very own time machine and how to test it, if it is ever completed.

The second session was by Marc Millis and his search for habitable worlds. That one was a real eye opener. The time, distances, resources and energy needed to reach other planets outside our own solar system is staggering. If you look what we’ve already accomplished with the ISS, we’re still in our baby-shoes*. So simply packing up our bags, and starting a new life on another planet – after we’ve completely messed things up over here – is not really an option right now. And hopping over to the next closest solar system in a timely fashion would require so much energy, we would have to sacrifice our own sun just to have enough fuel. In a way, it is hard to say if this talk was inspirational or more of a disillusion popped by a reality check. I therefore regret to inform you that it looks like we are going to be stuck on this rock a little longer than planned. In the mean time, be patient, make yourself comfortable and just try to make the best of it all.

*I’m finding that translating common Dutch phrases into English has a strange yet lovely appeal to it.

One might think that time travel is difficult at best and impossible at worst, but it’s not. It’s actually quite easy to accomplish. The most widely used method of time travel today is called growing old. We do it all the time.

The Dangers of Time Travel

If on the other hand, you want to travel back in time, that’s a whole different challenge. So let us assume we’re going to build a time machine that will let us do just that. How do we test it to make sure it works? Unless of course you want to be the guinea pig and risk ending up in a time or place that might not be so hospitable to your fragile existence. You wouldn’t be the first time traveler to end up frozen in the middle of space, due to the small oversight of earths moving trajectory around the sun, and the relative motion of the solar system within mind puzzling accelerated expansion of the larger universe. But let us not worry about that for now.

One theory states that even if a time machine were built, you would still not be able to time travel to an age prior to the existence of your workable machine. It was proposed as a reason why time travelers have not come back from the future so far, for lack of a vessel present in this day and age to do so. It also prevents you from going back in time and killing yourself before you were able to actually build your time machine, thus making it impossible to travel back in time to kill yourself in the first place, and creating a temporal rupture in the fabric of the space time continuum that could possibly destroy the entire universe. In other words, before we can bump into other time travelers or create utterly destructive paradoxes, we first have to build a time machine.

Build a Time Machine

Let’s start small. A box the size of a small box will do. As for the creation of your machine, a quick search on the internet should do the trick. Plenty of recipes exist such as: bending the space time continuum, creating worm holes, or accelerating your box to 88mph using a flux capacitor and bolts of lightning. (On a side note: It was once possible to buy nuclear grade plutonium from Libyan terrorists to power flux capacitors , but that no longer is an option as Libya has abandoned and disassembled its nuclear program). Also make sure to check Wikipedia as they have some wonderful theories on how to avoid the problem I mentioned earlier about the world being in motion which in turn ups the risk of ending up in space.

Testing the Time Machine

Once your time machine is ready, testing it should be fairly easy. Close the box. Switch it on. Write down the current time and date. We may need this later. Then open the box. If the box remains empty, the experiment failed and it is not yet suitable as a vessel for future operators to send things back in time with it. You may need to make some modifications or maybe even give it a good bang with the hammer. But whatever happens, don’t give up.

If on the other hand, you were to find, for example, an apple in your box, then chances are, your time machine works. Congratulations! Victory dance! However, exercise caution if the object inside the box happens to be Schrödinger’s cat; perhaps alive; perhaps dead. In the best case, Schrödinger may not be too pleased you stole his cat in this way. In the worst case, what you may have here may not be a time machine, but rather an infinite improbability drive. Before fiddling any further with it, I would advise you to first purchase either the latest edition of The Lonely Universe or a copy of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. You’ll need it just in case something goes horribly wrong and you find yourself on the other side of the Milky Way. As a matter of fact, get both books. While the latter will be quite informative on your predicament, The Lonely Universe will list all the cheapest places to stay and eat whenever you find yourself in deep space. But I’m running astray. To get back to our test and keep things simple, we’re sticking to an apple as an example. Take it out of your time machine and close it.

The Final Step

Now that we’ve managed to create a working time machine, that doesn’t mean the test is over. Hell no! We still need to place the object back into the box, and preferably somewhere in the future, so we can find it in the past at the moment we started conducting the test. Failing to complete this last step would leave us with the puzzling question as to where the apple came from and how it got into our time machine in the first place.

If you’ve created one of those fancy time machines with a built in interface to enter the destinations date and time coordinates, input that data in right now. If on the other hand, you’ve left out such sophistications, cross your fingers and hope for the best. Now zap that apple back into the past. If you reopen it, the box should be empty again concluding a successful time travel test. Cause enough for another victory dance.

Check List

This test should be repeated every time one builds a new time machine or to check if an existing one is still in working condition. And if you really want to be scientifically professional, here’s a quick check list:

1. Make sure the time machine is empty before starting the test, then close its door.

2. Switch on the time machine.

3. Write down the current time and date.

4. Open the door.

5. Take out the apple.

6. Close the door.

7. Wait thirty minutes. In the mean time, DO NOT EAT THE APPLE!

8. Open the door.

9. Place the apple back into the time machine.

10. Close the door.

11. Enter the time and date coordinates written down in step 3.

12. Send the apple back into time.

13. Open the door and attain that the apple is no longer there.

14. The test has successfully been completed.

15. Perform a victory lap.

For laughs, most time travelers will usually do this test using either an egg, or a chicken, depending on whatever appears first.