So now you know.

Or: Fifteen Ways to Crack an Egg

Every few months, the media feels inclined to warn us of the impending break up of Belgium. And these news reports have been steadily feeding us for what? The past hundred years?

It is said that Belgium is, not only the only failed nation state in the world that actually works, but that it is also an accident of history. It’s not hard to imagine why. Consider this: In the summer of 1830, after a night of heavy drinking at the opera, some blokes woke up the next morning, not only discovering that they had acquired a set of cool new tattoos, but that they had also in-avertedly created a new country.

The day after

And they weren’t the only ones who were shocked by this. So was the rest of Europe. They didn’t quite know what this new country was for, or what to do with it. But it didn’t take long before everyone realized that no good would come of this, and that it should either be returned to the Dutch, or handed over to the French. Well, at least before someone would actually take this whole new nation thing seriously.

Unfortunately, the stiff-upper-lipped British, who at that time still hadn’t been exposed to Monty Python, failed to see the humor in all of this, and decided to make the whole affair official. Belgium was born. Of course, the newly formed Belgians never forgave them for this and started brooding on a conniving plan that would one day accumulate to payback time. More on this later.

Since then, the powers that be have all been hard at work, trying to undo the world of this little historic aberration. Though it must be said that Germany gave up after two disastrous attempts. Proving once again that anything that is created as a temporary solution for a temporary problem, always has the tendency to last forever. It’s a plain fact of life. And with that in mind, when global warming has destroyed our planet, the sun has engulfed our solar system, and the universe is being swallowed by a massive black hole, chances are, you’ll still be reading reports of the impending break up of Belgium.

It’s complicated

By now, you’re probably asking yourself: “It can’t possibly be that difficult to tear up a nation? Look at Czechoslovakia!”

True, but that was a case were splitting up this former East European nation was a lot easier than having to spell it’s name correctly each and every time. In Belgium’s defense, there really is no single clean cut solution in dividing it up while keeping all parties involved happy. Yes, if Belgium had a profile page on Facebook, it’s relationship status would be: “it’s complicated”.

Mind you, the following article is no way an attempt to explain how Belgium works, or doesn’t work. That would be too difficult for the uninitiated to understand, or let alone care about. No, this is rather a non exhaustive list on how to break up Belgium seen from several different perspectives:

1. The Outsiders Viewpoint

“The Dutch speaking Flemish should join the Netherlands, because they speak the same language.

And the French speaking Walloons should join France for the same reason.

While the German speaking East Cantons get to return to Germany after all these years.

As for Brussels, it should become an independent European capital district in much the same way as Washington DC relates to the rest of the United States.”

This is the most common solution put forward by outsiders whom  a) have no idea why the Belgians are still quibbling, and  b) nurture the naïve idea that it’s a communication problem because both sides don’t speak the same language.

Hold on a second. If this really was a communication problem, you would think that after over a hundred years of talks, at least one side would have noticed that they actually don’t understand each other. But the fact of the matter is, there are still a sufficient amount of Belgians available that can speak two, or three, or four languages without problem. And it’s even not so uncommon that when two people from both sides who can’t or refuse to speak the language of the other side, will revert to something more neutral instead, like English.

The fact of the matter is, except for a few isolated areas around Brussels, most of the language issues have long been resolved. What we have here instead is your average everyday power struggle over who gets to say what and where. Or put another way: how to spend the tax payers money.

The Flemish Stake

With that in mind, it’s not difficult to see why this solution is a non starter. The Flemish, despite being the majority, have been struggling for equal say in their own country since the early nineteen hundreds. Place six million Flemish people together with sixteen million Dutch people, and all of a sudden, all of that effort is not only lost, but they will be reduced to a small minority. They would now have even less to say then if they had just stayed in Belgium. As such, it wouldn’t take long before we would start hearing about reports of the impending breakup of the Netherlands.

The Francophone Stake

And despite the fact that the Francophones in Belgium are in a minority, thanks to all the checks and balances that protect their rights, they have just as much to lose, if not more, as their Flemish counterparts. They certainly have no reason to leave Belgium. Four million Walloons would not only lose all these checks and balances in a France of sixty-two-million strong, but would also have to live with the fact that everything in their lives would now be dictated to them from Paris. And it doesn’t take much imagination to understand that socialist Wallonia wouldn’t mix all to well with the likes of Sarkozy. Skilled as the Wallonian politicians are, it wouldn’t take long before the impending breakup of France would start appearing in the news, and indirectly inspiring the Basques to do the same.

The European Stake

It’s also why the rest of Europe really isn’t all too enthusiastic about Belgium falling apart. There is the grounded fear that if Belgium disappears, the legions of just-out-of-work politicians that formerly ran this country, would export their breakup-know-how  to other European hot spots seeking independence.

In conclusion: while the Flemish and Francophones may have little in common left with each other, they have even less in common with their same language speaking neighbors.

2. The Luxemburg Viewpoint

If parts of Belgium are going to be distributed around to its neighbors, it’s not hard to imagine that Luxemburg would like part of its old territory returned. When Belgium was given its independence, Luxemburg was split in two. Half of it got to continue as an independent country. The other half became a province in Belgium carrying the same name.

So rather then have the province of Luxemburg in Belgium handed over to France, the country Luxemburg could claim it back as its rightful owner. And while they are at it, why not be opportunistic and court the German speaking East Cantons to join them as well? I’m pretty sure they would be able to offer them better tax incentives, secret banking, and other niceties that Germany proper never could.

Add to that the fact that Luxembourg, however small it is, already recognizes German and French as its official languages. The East Cantons and the province of the same name joining Luxembourg would seem like a match made in heaven.

3. The Flemish Viewpoint

Because Flemish voters can only vote for Flemish politicians (unless you happen to live in Halle or Vilvoorde), they have no democratic say in what happens in the south of the country. As such, the Francophone politicians in the south aren’t accountable to voters in the north. So if money flows from north to south due to the solidarity principle, the south can spend or waste it as they please, and there is very little the north can do about it. Except complain and threaten to go it alone as they are doing now.

The Flemish solution to this problem other than declaring independence? Build more accountability into the system by slowing down these money flows and moving most of the responsibilities to the regions itself. That would mean that Wallonia may receive less money, but because Francophone politicians would then be spending money of their own constituents, there is actually a better chance that they will start spending it a bit more wisely.

And what better way to do this than to get rid of the federal government all together and let the regions sail it out on their own, preferably in confederation. But even if any of that is too much to ask for, the Flemish always have the option to self declare their  independence. And in their ideal scenario for self rule, they get to keep Brussels all for themselves.

4. The Francophone Viewpoint: Plan B

The ones who have the most to lose in a break up of Belgium are in fact the Francophones. In fact, until recently, most just considered themselves to be just Belgians and nothing else, unlike their Flemish counterparts.

As a minority, they enjoy quite a lot of protections, and add to that, also the financial benefits from the no-questions-asked solidarity from the north. They would be hard pressed to find a better deal than this anywhere else. Even the money that is handed out by Europe comes with strings attached. And so it’s understandable that every time the Flemish push for more autonomy, they drag their feet. From their perspective, the breakup of Belgium is the worst possible outcome and the status-quo must be preserved at all costs. The fear is that handing out more autonomy to the regions, even their own, will down the road eventually lead Flanders declaring their own independence.

But that doesn’t mean one shouldn’t be prepared for if things would turn for the worst. Strangely enough, the Francophone contingency plans for an eventual breakup of the country are a lot further along in their planning than that of their Flemish counterparts. And it’s not just one plan, but several. In the event the problem doesn’t solve itself (uncanny how this articles still rings so true three years later), here are the alternatives:

The French Plan

The first natural solution would be to join France. Unlike the Flemish who created their own cultural biosphere when commercial television was introduced (and thus slowly lost their tight cultural bond with the Dutch), the Francophones are culturally still quite well linked with their French neighbors. Politically however, as mentioned earlier before, there would be very little benefits to such a union for the Walloons.

And while France in such a scenario would probably love to take the biggest prize of all: Brussels with all its EU institutions, it’s hardly likely that the other European nations would actually agree to this. Especially if Flanders were to dispute it.

But what about turning Brussels into a European District? There is a good chance that Britain would veto that out of fear this might be the first step in creating a United States of Europe. So in such a scenario where Wallonia joins France, Flanders would have a good chance of keeping Brussels.

As for the German East Cantons, they get to choose if they want to join Germany, or more fittingly Luxemburg.

5. The Francophone Viewpoint: Plan C

I practically fell off my chair when I recently heard one of the top francophone politicians proclaim that in an eventual split, Wallonia should join Germany rather than France. According to his words, despite the language difference, Wallonia has culturally more in common with Germany than it does with France. What can I say, the world is full of surprises. This was also the direct reason why I decided to write this article.

How absurd this may sound, I suppose the thinking went: after having been in union with Germany-light for the past 180 years, why not go for the real thing?

And politically, this might not be such a bad idea. Germany already has an impressive CV when it comes to annexing other countries, and despite their earlier failings, their last attempt, swallowing up East Germany, actually went rather well. Practice makes perfect I suppose. And even though the Ossies were practically bankrupt after years of communism; unified Germany still remains one of the world’s leading economies. Annexing Wallonia should therefore be a piece of cake. And Wallonia would probably enjoy more freedom from Berlin then it would from Paris.

The only question is, what would Germany have to win by this? Being such a big player in Europe, the main prize Brussels would be just as illusive to them as it would be for France.

As for the East Cantons, it would unquestionably go to Germany in such a scenario.

6. The Francophone Viewpoint: Plan D

In this scenario, the Francophones go for full independence. But to spite the Flemish, would take Brussels and a few neighboring Flemish municipalities with them in which the majority of the population speaks French.

In fact, at this point in time, it’s hard to imagine Wallonia going on its own without Brussels as a cash cow. But how would they get the Flemish to give up Brussels so readily? Well, it might not be that difficult after all. Flanders has a love/hate relationship with Brussels. On the one hand, they want to keep it, because it is part of their Flemish heritage. On the other hand, they know they’ve lost this city a long time ago and feel it to be completely alien to them. They despise the place for the simple reason that they are forced to speak French there, despite it officially being a bilingual city. So other than for the central European role it plays, there is no practical reason to keep it.

So for the Francophones to keep it, all they have to do is buy it off of the Flemish. How? Quite simple: Wallonia and Brussels will continue living together as a smaller version of Belgium. In return, they also get to keep the largest part of the national debt. Given the choice between keeping Brussels, or being almost dept free, it’s very likely that Flanders would happily choose the latter. Unless they get all emotional about it at the last minute. In that case, we might once again be in for another long set of talks and political crisis’s. Especially if it involves giving up some Flemish territory around Brussels as well. But hey, what else is new?

7. The Belgian Viewpoint

Believe it or not, but some Belgians actually still believe they are Belgians. They’re just scratching their heads as to how things got so complicated. I mean really, six governments to run a country of just ten million people? And that’s not including the municipal, provincial and European bodies of government that we get to vote for as well.

It’s ironic that with so many levels of democratic institutions in Belgium, that the more we have to vote, the less things gets decided.

So while the rest of the world wonders how it’s possible that Belgium runs like clockwork for months on end without any sign of civil unrest or crisis management, the answer is quite simple: There is a lot of redundancy built in. In fact, one could say that Belgium’s number one export product are politicians. While the British are still struggling with the game “try and name ten famous Belgians”, little do they realize that they are taking up many of the top spots in major world organizations. President of the EU? Belgian. Head of the organizers of the London 2012 games? Yep, Belgian too. But I digress.

For the true Belgian, the solutions seem obvious and simple. But just like all outsiders, most Belgians don’t understand how this complicated country works either, or why, or even how.

A Divided People

But rather than the naïve outsider who would simply split up Belgium by handing it over to its neighbors, the true Belgian wants to keep it together. The first simple solution being that Belgium should become bilingual over all of its territory, not just Brussels. As I said before, Belgium’s problems have little to do with language, but as it stands now, both sides hardly ever interact with each other. Each side has its own media that they watch and read. They listen to different songs, vote for completely different political parties and don’t even share the same political views. As a matter of fact, what’s even harder than the “name ten famous Belgians” game is the “name ten famous Belgians on the other side of the language border” game. Exclude politicians from this list and you’ll have most Belgians stuttering to get past two or three names.

So by making everyone bilingual, this would at least foster a better understanding of each other on both sides of the language border. Unfortunately, when this idea was opted in the ‘60s, the Francophones refused and the Flemish have begrudged them ever since for them not willing to learn Dutch. But hey, it’s not too late yet. It’s not like the problem of Belgium is going to be resolved by say 2060.

The Belgian Blunders

A second more practical solution would be to have national rather than separate regional parties voted into the federal government.

But what most Belgians have forgotten is that it actually used to be like this and it didn’t work either. It resulted in Belgium acquiring one of the highest national debts in Europe. The Flemish/Francophone tensions were dealt within parties which lead to back-room deals and the emergence of what we call: waffle iron politics. This meant that to keep the peace, any large investment in one side of the country had to be met with just as large of an investment on the other side, even if that side didn’t actually need it.

The result of this is what we like to call the famous blunders of Belgium. This country is literally filled with highways that lead to nowhere, unconnected bridges that cross rivers and canals for no reason, towns with completed subway tunnels and stations that never went operational, a complete artificial university town, and many more marvels and wonders of architecture that were built in places where it never made any economical sense to do so. It’s as if the Belgian surrealists gave up painting and went into landscaping, after they realized they could get much more work done as politicians with our tax payers money.

The only way to make this scenario work again is if we were to ask the people of Congo if they would be so kind as to allow their re-colonization by Belgium. In return for law and order, we would plunder their resources, so that once again, we can build overpasses that, in practice may not lead to anywhere, but symbolically bridge the language divide between north and south. For the Belgians are most happy when they get to build things.

The Belgian Bureaucracy

Other then that, the only hope the true Belgian has to keeping this country together is creating ever more complicated bureaucratic constructs, adding a new body of government here, an extra parliament there; what ever it takes to confuse the rest of us into believing that everything is fine and fair. The cynical view is that all power rests in Brussels anyway, whether it’s regional, communal, federal or European. All that really happens is that certain powers are simple moved to a different address within the same city.

8. The Brussels Viewpoint

Even though Arabic is spoken on the streets and English is taking over the offices in Brussels, it is still largely considered a Francophone city despite it being officially bilingual. (Bilingual in the sense of French and Dutch, rather than Arabic and English).

Why do we call them Francophones? Well, because not all French speakers in Belgium are Walloons. This is due to Brussels, which once was a Flemish town with Flemish inhabitants. But they didn’t move away. Instead, these inhabitants decided to speak French exclusively, because at the time, it was considered more civilized. In their eyes, only the poor and uncultured spoke Dutch, and it was this attitude that made it possible for the longest time, that French was the only official language of Belgium, even in Flanders.

The Brussels Enigma

In a way, it’s the Flemish French speaking elite of Brussels who created this whole mess to begin with, and even to this day, Brussels remains the enigma that is preventing any simple solution to solving the problem of Belgium.

Yet even today, Brussels continues to allude its ruling class. Once Flemish, yesterday French, today Arabic and tomorrow English? Brussels belongs to nobody and everybody. It’s both beautiful and extremely ugly. It’s a forward looking backwards place that is home to poor migrants and rich Eurocrats. Brussels is successful despite it being a failure. Yes, it’s the heart of everything surrealistic that doesn’t see itself as part of either Flanders or Wallonia. It’s a city with a mind of it’s own.

But that being said, the Francophones still see it as theirs birth right. As a matter of fact, they believe that Brussels is entitled to much more than what it has now. Not only financially, but also territorially. In fact, in this view, Brussels Extra Large would ideally grow to consist of half of the province of Flemish Brabant. Taking out such a huge chunk of Flanders would also have the added bonus of moving more Francophones into this area and making it more difficult for Flanders to split away from Belgium. A cunning plan indeed.

The screams you hear in the background? That’s the Flemish crying “Bloody murder!”

9. The East Cantons Viewpoint: Plan A

While the Flemish and Francophones send the country into its umpteenth crisis, the largely overlooked German speakers in the east sit peacefully on the sidelines wondering why we can’t all just get along together? Yes, it’s ironic, that this part of the country that was annexed twice from Germany after both world wars, would be the vestige of the last true Belgians.

Their ideal scenario would be for Belgium to stay together, but if they could ask for something, at least if anyone would be bothered to even notice them, it would be to create another body of government that would give them the autonomy to not only manage their culture and language as it is now, but also the land that they live. For the latter is still under the jurisdiction of the Wallonian regional parliament. In a way, this might make this simpler for everybody involved, as almost all the other regional and communal parliaments could join as one, as has already happened in Flanders.

10. East Cantons Viewpoint: Plan B

Let’s just say that if Belgium does split up. There is always the possibility for the East Cantons to join Wallonia, France, Germany, Luxemburg, or perhaps even Flanders or the Netherlands. Or they could form their own little nation. An un-survivable idea? Nonsense! All it would take is one very secure bank, a casino and a very low tax regime. They’ll have money flowing-in in no time.

And if they call it Belgium, they might even be able to keep the king.

11. Regional Viewpoint

There are those that believe that the nation state as we know it today should remain untouchable and unbreakable. Then there are those who believe that the nation state has had its day. It’s time for something new: the regions.

It may seem contradictory that a country like Belgium, so hell bent on breaking up, has the most pro EU population amongst all Europeans. How can a people that want to go it alone support an organization as the EU that wants to bring everyone together? A break up of Belgium would prove that the EU experiment has failed? Right?

Wrong. It’s this ever closer integration of Europe that is making the possibility of a Belgian break up ever more likely. How?

Well, to the regionalist, the problem with Belgium is that it’s too big to solve local problems and it’s too small to solve global problems. So on the one hand, it doesn’t really make much sense for Belgium to have its own foreign policy or even its own army. It’s impact on the global stage is simply too small to have any real effect. I’m sure Obama can relate to this every time he calls Belgium with the question if they can spare any more troops for Afghanistan: “Sure Obama, I’m sure we can send five more soldiers. Though I’m not sure how effective they’ll be. We can only afford for them to have four bullets each.“ It goes without saying that some resourced would be more efficiently poled in a larger organization like the EU.

All other problems should be brought as close to the voter as possible. In other words, smaller voting regions. You’re vote has more weight in a population of just fifty thousand then it would in a population of fifty million.

Bye Bye Belgium

In this scenario, nation states such as Belgium would evaporate. Things like law and order would be provided for by the EU while education, culture, economy and buildings permits would be dealt with in a region.

This could mean the further breaking up of Belgium into even smaller pieces, while at the same time the rejoining of historically old alliances. The Belgian and Dutch provinces of Limburg would unite once again. Flanders would shrink even further. Flemish Brabant would probably have the nerve to call themselves Brussels as a way of better marketing themselves to the outside world. And Antwerp would remain Antwerp because everyone knows the world revolves around them.

12. The British Viewpoint

Well, to be fair, this is how Britain does not want to see Europe turned into. But it would teach them a lesson for having created Belgium in the first place. Sure, it may have seemed like a good idea at the time: creating a Belgium in the middle of Europe as a way to keep the continent fragmented and distrustful of each other. But there is a price to be paid for turning Europe’s most prominent battlefield into an independent country.

And unfortunately for the British, the Belgians soon realized after two world wars that there really was no point to their country unless they got a little cooperation from their neighbors. So they convinced the Dutch and Luxembourgers to work together. When that seemed to work out ok, they pitched the same idea to the French and Germans. The coupe de grâce? They eventually managed to trick even the British into joining without offering them an exit strategy. And as you well know, the rest is history.

13. The Safe Corridor Viewpoint

Speaking of nightmares, the Francophones seem to have this silly idea that if Flanders ever does proclaim a one sided independence, it will close all of its borders and thus blocking any direct connection between Brussels and Wallonia. Never mind all the Schengen agreements and open European borders that are currently in place. Something had to be done about this!

The Sonian Corridor

And so to alleviate these fears, one Francophone minister proposed to annex the Flemish Sonian forest and hand it over to Wallonia. Thus creating a safe corridor between it and Brussels.

But what about the other exclaves  in Belgium? Won’t anyone think of them? There is of course the complicated mess of exclaves in enclaves in the Baarle region between Belgium and Netherlands. But as long as both nations remain on speaking terms, we are not going to attempt at creating any corridors here just yet.

The Mouscron Corridor

There is of course the French speaking Mouscron exclave in Flanders. To facilitate a safe passage between it and Wallonia proper, a corridor following the French/Flemish border would seem well suited.

The Voeren Corridor

A similar situation exists on the other side of the country in Voeren, a Flemish exclave in Wallonia. In order to connect Voeren to Flanders, here too a corridor would need to be created encompassing the land between the river Meuse and the canal following the Dutch border.

The Vennbahn Corridor

And lest we not forget the East Cantons. The Eupen and Eifel regions are also separated by a bit of Wallonia proper. Though the corridor here does in fact already exist: The Vennbahn. It’s an old railroad that crisscrosses through Germany. Only, this long narrow and winding piece of land actually still belongs to Belgium. For when Belgium annexed the East Cantons, this strange border situation was created at the time  for pretty much the same reasons as for why some politicians want to create a Brussels corridor today. Only then, it made  more sense as border checkpoints between countries were still a reality in this part of the world.

14. The Lower Moerdijk Viewpoint

While the Flemish might not be too enthusiastic about joining the Netherlands, our fellow Dutch neighbors are more welcoming of the idea. Or at least to a degree. While the Dutch may lack a language divide, they do have a cultural/religious one. Everthing below the Moerdijk is generally speaking a catholic region, and everything above it is Calvinist in nature. As such, the people living in the lower Moerdijk have a tendency to feel closer at home with the Flemish then their Northern countrymen.

So rather than have Flanders join the Netherlands, they would rather break away from Holland and join Flanders instead.

This scenario would also seem fitting to contemplate Wallonia joining Luxemburg rather than France of Germany and creating a new country called Belux or Wallux.

15. The Greater Dietsland Viewpoint

I’m not sure if you’ll still find a lot of supporters for this today, but during the world wars, there were quite a few people who were receptive to the idea of forming a huge German federation. For many of the Flemish collaborators during the wars, they saw this as an answer to gain more rights than they would in a unified Belgium. It’s this connection that after the wars slowed down the progress of the Flemish movement in gaining more autonomy. Even today, the Francophones are still quick to make this link if it can block any meaningful discussion in changing the status quo.

In Conclusion: The Almost Impending Breakup of Belgium

But before we get ahead of ourselves, many of these scenarios depicted here are still far off. We have to keep in mind that several generations of politicians have spent the past forty years trying to split up a single voting district, and still without any success or end in sight. Breaking up an entire country as complex as Belgium is of a whole different order.

Yes, most other countries would have long chosen the path of civil war over such a dispute, and it is amendable that the Belgians have decided otherwise. The truth is, most people here don’t care enough to spill blood over it, let alone stage even the simplest protest march to vent any anger they may have. Government or not, beer needs to be brewed and chocolate made. life goes on as if it were any other day.

But forget everything I’ve just said for a moment. Because, if you’ve read any of the most recent reports in the news, it’s now quite apparent that Belgium really is on the verge of finally splitting up. ;-)

One of the strangest lucid dreams I’ve ever had was indeed being caught inside a dream in a dream in a dream in a dream. I found myself waking up one morning, taking a shower, brushing my teeth, getting dressed, and going to school. During my first class, I woke up again. And so I got out of bed and repeated my morning rituals. This time round though, I only got as far as the bus ride to school. I found myself waking up again. That’s when I realized something strange was going on. This scenario would continue to repeat itself several times, each dream sequence getting shorter and shorter until I couldn’t get any further than stepping out of my bed before ending back to where I was. Finally, I was awake. But even then, doubts remained. How could I be sure I wasn’t still dreaming? It was only after my day had progressed well passed the afternoon that I started to relax and assume that I really had returned to reality.

Since then, I have found an easy way of determining whether I am trapped in a lucid dream or not: In my dreams, I can float mid-air, sometime two or three stories high. It’s not easy and a bit scary, but I guarantee you it’s a really cool sensation. I can only recommend it. But after seeing Inception, I may have to rethink my floating totem. For until know, I’ve always assumed my inner thoughts and dreams would always be safe from others. Not anymore.

Disclaimer: The butler did it!

It goes without saying, if you haven’t seen Inception yet, the following article will contain spoilers. Lots of them!

Now that we got that out of the way

To spin, or to topple, that’s the question. If it weren’t for the last few seconds of the film, you probably wouldn’t be here in the first place. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to give a definitive answer whether the reality that Cobbs believes he is in is real or not. The film goes to great lengths to ensure that every point that could indicate what is real and what is not is kept very ambiguous. There is enough material for both sides of the argument, but nothing that can be used as decisive proof. So I offer you two possible interpretations of the film. The real one, and the dream version.

Interpretation one: It’s real

The top will topple over and we can safely assume that Cobb was right. This is the simplest interpretation of the two  versions and we can simply take the film at face value. He has returned to reality in which Mal unwittingly killed herself. After struggling with his guilt for losing his wife, he is finally united with his children. End of story.

Because if the whole film had been a dream? What’s the point? Why should we care if nothing is real and without consequence anyway?

Personally, I’m not too happy with this interpretation. My first impression of Inception was that it was sanitized version of eXistenz. The both play the exact same theme. But with eXistenz, instead of a dream in a dream, it used the concept of a virtual reality game inside a virtual reality game. As a result, the players themselves eventually don’t know if they are actually still inside the game or not. The difference is, even though eXistenz was weird and unbalancing, it managed to tell its story without getting lost in the complexities of its technology. With Inception on the other hand, you need a chart just to figure out who was dreaming where and when, where and why were they being kicked or killed.

Interpretation two:  It’s all a dream

For this version of the story, it doesn’t matter if the totem topples over at the end or not. Becaue everything is possible when you’re dreaming and I love solving a good movie puzzle.

The long con

This is of course is my interpretation of the film and is by no means a definitive explanation. The trick to doing this is to explain as much as possible without having to leave behind too many loose ends. So if you have a better theory, I would like to hear it.

As I see it, the film is a combination between a love story and a how-to-con-a-conman. Because when it comes down to it, Cobb and his team are nothing more than  just that: conmen. They are the Ocean 11’s of the dream world. They find a mark, observe him and then play an array of confidence tricks to gain their victim’s trust. Once they have achieved that, they can start extracting deep routed secrets from their mark.

At first glance, it would seem that Saito was the first mark, but that mission failed. Saito at one point even claims the mission was a test, but never elaborates for what. When Saito returns to hire Cobb, a new mark is set. This time it is Fisher.

However, it’s more plausible that from the beginning, the real mark was actually Cobb himself. The two missions he is sent out to do are actually a ruse. It’s a classic case of the conman being conned without him realizing it. But why? And by whom?

A leap of faith

For my theory, you’ll have to take a leap of faith. Saito is actually Mal, or at the very least, one of her projections. As a matter of fact, they both even utter those same words. The both ask Cobb to take a leap of faith.

Ok, but how can Saito be Mal? To wrap your head around that, I’ll start by explaining the events of the movie.

We know that Cobb planted the idea in Mal’s head that the limbo they were trapped in wasn’t real. But when they kill themselves, they end up in a different limbo. Mal realizes this, but it’s Cobb that now believes that they are living in reality. When Mal can’t convince him otherwise, she plans an elaborate scheme to force Cobb into jumping with her off the ledges of the hotel room windows. If he doesn’t he will not only loose her, but also lose access to his children. Unfortunately for Mal, her plan backfires. Cobb is now not only left behind and trapped in his own limbo, he is now doomed to grow old and become a lonely and guilt ridden  man.

Mal however still loves him. It was never her intention to punish him like this. So if she can’t convince him to return to reality, she can at least try to make his time in limbo as pleasant as possible. And so she plans an inception that will not only unite Cobb with his children, but also free him of his guilt. Eventually, Cobb will wake up out of his limbo and they will be reunited, but until that time comes, she simply wants him to be happy again.

So she returns. Quite likely disguised as Saito. For it’s not impossible to appear as someone else in a dream. As a matter of fact, Earns, the forger, actually pulls this type of confidence trick several times during the Fisher heist. The first time, he plays Fisher’s uncle, and the second time, as hot blond woman at the bar to distract Fishers attention. At other times, Saito is probably just a projection. For example when Saito and Mal are seen in the same room. We can probably also go as far as concluding that all the other characters in the film are projections. Some are created by Cobb, the others by Mal.

Conning Cobb and planting the inception requires several steps. The first one is making sure that Cobb cannot trust his own instincts, pretty much in the same way as the gambit used in the Fisher heist: The one where Cobb becomes Mr. Charles to trick Fisher into not trusting his own self defense mechanisms.

The Saito Heist

The first seed of doubt is planted into Cobb’s  mind during the first heist at the Japanese beach house. Cobb believes Mal is dead, so when he sees her there, he actually believes that what he is seeing is nothing more than a projection of his own mind. But because he can’t control her (the chair incident and the fact that she further sabotages the mission), he is therefore led to believe that he may be losing his mind.

The sabotage of the mission doesn’t stop there however. There is also the carpet fiasco in Saito’s love nest. It didn’t really matter what the carpet was made of. All that Saito had to do was pretend it was some kind of totem and claim it should have been made of a different material than intended. This not only sabotages the mission even further, but more importantly, it also places doubt in the abilities of the architect. Why? Because it’s actually a smart ploy by Mal to smooth the path of having Cobb’s architect replaced by one of hers: Ariadne.

When Saito claims the whole mission was a test, it not only implies he knew about it, it was also to see if Cobb could be manipulated enough for the Con to go through. And it does. The second stage of the con can now commence.

The Helicopter Scene

With the failed mission, Cobb and his team are now on the run from some anonymous global corporation. Something that Mal has probably setup in the hope that Cobb may still eventually question the reality of his world. (side note: Cobol Engineering, Cobb; coincidence?)

When they try to escape via helicopter, Cobbs is tested again. Saito has not only captured his architect, but tells Cobb he betrayed him by giving away their location. If Cobb still had any faith in his own architect, it’s now completely gone. Saito then offers Cobb to shoot him.

Cobb refuses. It proves he still firmly believes he is still living in reality. When Arthur was shot by Mal, Cobb didn’t hesitate to kill Arthur to put him out of his pain, because he know he would just end up a level higher in the dreamscape. But in this dimension, he believes that shooting anyone will actually kill them for real. Either way, Mal is now able to remove Cobb’s architect completely out of the picture.

Now it is time for Saito to reel him into the con. The bait is a job offer: one that requires an inception of an idea in someone’s mind. Mal knows this idea intrigues Cobb. He pretty much spelt it out during the Saito heist just before it went wrong. The hook that will lure him into the con is the offer that if he successfully does the job, he will be able to see his children again.

Ariadne

As Mal has gotten rid of Cobbs original architect, he needs a new one. Mal creates one for him: Ariadne. Her name is derived from the Greek mythology. In the myth, she falls in love with Theseus and gives him a sword to fight the Minotaur and a ball of red fleece to find his way through the labyrinth. So it’s no coincidence that it’s Ariadne’s job to design all the mazes. She’ll be responsible for luring Cobb all the way down to the original limbo.

It’s also not surprising that Ariadne picks up dream building so quickly. Being Mals projection, Mal already has plenty of experience building entire worlds.

When Cobb sets of with her in a dreamscape to test her possibilities, she creates a scene of a bridge with mirrors. A place that Mal and Cobb knew well. By placing a projection of an old romantic memory there, it further destabilizes Cobb’s frame of mind. Cobb who is clearly rattled warns her never to use elements from memory, because that is the easiest way to lose grasp of what is real and what is a dream. And there may lie Cobb’s problem. The limbo world he is trapped in now  is not one he created, but one that was subconsciously built entirely from memory. That is why he confuses it for being real

Mombasa

When Cobb heads off to Mombasa, he meets Eans, the forger, who introduced him to Yusaf, the pharmacist. Both of them are probably projections too, though it is not clear if they belong to Cobb or Mal. I would guess that Eans may be Cobb’s projection, because they already knew each other.  Yusaf on the other hand is Mals projection. Being that Cobb is the mark, she’ll want as many of her projections on the team as possible.

Yusaf will also be the key to luring Cobb into the original Limbo that Mal and Cobb once shared. He does this by making Cobb unwittingly changing the rules of the dream world. He can convince Cobb that by introducing a sedative, being killed in a dream will no longer return you to the higher up level, but will throw you into limbo instead.

Before that, the three ways of getting out of a dream were:

• Time: Wait until you wake up, possibly after the sedative has worn out.
• Externally: If someone wakes you up from your sleep, by using some kind of kick.
• Internally: Waking up from within your dream, you have to kill yourself.

The prison of regrets

Of course, Cobb isn’t going as crazy as he thinks he is. In fact, he has managed to contain his memories and projections of Mal in a type of dream prison. It’s a place where he can store all his regrets, the very things he wants to change.

To be more precise, it’s actually not a prison. Rather, they are his deepest secrets. But unlike the others who tend to lock theirs away in a safe, he has hidden his in a different dreamscape.  At least until Mal, through Ariadne, manages to infiltrate it. It is here were she learns of Cobb’s biggest regrets:

• That he didn’t see his children’s faces before he was forced to run
• His real guilt however stems from a broken promise: that he and Mal would grow old together. He feels responsible for her demise.

Uniting Cobb with their children will be the easy part. The hard part will be planting the inception that will relieve him of his guilt. That is where the Fisher heist comes in to play.

The Fisher heist: Level one

The first stage of the trap is set. The goal is to trick Cobb into returning to the original limbo. That means sabotaging the Fisher heist as well. To begin with, Mal lets a train race through the middle of street full of traffic. It’s enough to convince Cobb that he’s now really loosing it. It doesn’t take much for Ariadne to convince him that he no longer is in control of his state of mind and that he has become a real threat to everyone else on the mission. Cobb must now reluctantly place his faith in Ariadnes hands. It’s here were he tells here why Mal killed herself and why he can’t see his children.

Thanks to the sedatives, the stakes have been upped. So Mal also sends out an unexpected but heavily armed attack team. Not to protect Fisher, but to have Saito shot and wounded. If he dies, Cobb will have no choice but to follow him into limbo and bring him back. Saito is his only chance of ever seeing his children again. More subtly though, after talking to wounded Saito, the idea is planted in Cobb’s mind that if you get trapped in Limbo, there is a very big risks growing old there before you can return.

The Fisher heist: Level two

As in level one, the deceptions being played on Fisher are actually the same deceptions that Mal is playing on Cobb. Mal doesn’t show up in this level though, but Cobb does start seeing projections of his children for the first time popping up in a heist.

The Fisher heist: Level three

Now is a good time to ask ourselves how Fisher’s story relates to Cobb. If Mal thought up this mission, why this mission? Well, it’s actually quite simple. Fisher lost his mother at an early age and his father was never there for him. Cobb’s children also lost their mother at an early age, and because Cobb is on the run, he isn’t there for his children either.

Mal unexpectedly reappears and sabotages the mission by killing Fisher, sending him into limbo before the inception could be completed. Cobb loses all hope and is about to give up. That is when Ariadne steps in and pulls him deeper into the maze. By convincing Cobb to enter limbo as well, they may still have a chance of saving the mission.

The Fisher heist: Limbo

Once here, Cobb confronts Mal. She tries to convince him to stay, but Cobb finally confesses that he was responsible for planting the idea that her world wasn’t real. And that he feels guilty and responsible for her jumping from the hotel room window.

From here, things start to move very fast: Cobb tricks Mal into releasing Fisher. When she does, he changes his mind and decides to leave her anyway and search for Saito instead. Mal attacks Cobb with a knife, and then something strange happens. Ariadne, an innocent school girl, all of a sudden pulls out a gun out of nowhere and shoots Mal down, Not killing her, just wounding her.

Ariadne then throws Fisher of the balcony, killing him and sending him back to the third level where he can complete the mission. Ariadne then follows him down killing herself.

Catharsis

After unlocking the doors of the safe, Fisher is reunited with his father. A chance to relive those last moments with him. Here, the idea is planted that his father’s biggest regret was creating an empire rather than spending time with what was most important: the time spent with his loved ones, his son. Fisher now believes his father doesn’t want him to make the same mistake.

At the same time, another inception is taking place: Cobb’s last moments with dying Mal. The lesson here for Cobb is pretty much the same. When they were still living together in the limbo world they had built, Cobb probably suffered from the creators paradox: how can you create a work of fiction, and then believe to be true? To him, once the fun had worn off of acting like gods, everything he had created felt fake and meaningless. Mal on the other hand had a different perspective on things. She loved this world, not because of the things they had built, but simply because they were together. For her, this was all that mattered and is why she hid her totem. At least until Cobb passed his idea that everything was fake off as hers.

So just before she dies again, she reiterates their promise that they would grow old together. Cobb realizes that in a way, they actually already had lived a lifetime together: fifty years in limbo is a very long time. But until that moment, they always look the same age in his flashbacks of limbo. Even when they decided to commit suicide on the train tracks. But from that point on, he now remembers her and himself as an old couple walking through the world they had both created. He finally comes to believe that they did grow old together and as a result his promise had already been fulfilled. Mal’s inception succeeded and Cobb is cured of his guilt.

The inception worked so well that when Cobb does find Saito, he too appears as an old man, despite being the last one to enter limbo. (Fisher, Ariadne, Mal and Cobb didn’t age one bit even though they all had spent a longer time in limbo than Saito).

The End

Everybody wakes up. Saito makes the call. Cobb returns home and spins his totem one last time. But he doesn’t wait for the outcome. Whether he is in reality or a dream, it doesn’t matter to him anymore. The important thing is the time spent with the ones he love: his children.

As for Mal. Cobb will eventually wake up and they will be reunited again.

The totum top

While the idea of using a totem is sound, the top that Cobb uses on the other hand has been compromised, defeating its original purpose. So as a measure of reality, it has become useless. For starters, it belonged to Mal as a way of determining if she  was still inside of Cobb’s dreams or not.

Cobb never had a totem of his own to start with. Probably because if you are the dreamer, you would already know the secret properties of your totem, leaving yourself open to being deceived by your own sub consciousness.

As Saito claimed in the beginning of the film: if you are the dreamer, you make the rules, and so you would need another way to test if you are dreaming or not. Like I mentioned before, I try floating. If I can’t, I know I’m not dreaming.

Cobb on the other hand truly believes he is in reality, so he doesn’t try changing anything in his world. In fact, he refuses to change anything. This even extends to when he does enter other dream worlds, he leaves the creation of them to others. And this despite being a brilliant architect himself. So if Cobb is the dreamer, but believes everything is real; subconsciously, he would make the top topple over to keep the illusion alive.

In fact, the only time we ever see Cobb using the top in the dream world, making it spin endlessly, is when he planted the inception in Mal’s safe. It is only after Mal committed suicide that he started using the top and only when he believes he has returned to the real world. Never during his heists or escapades with Ariadne in dream space.

Compromising the totem even further,  he at one point explains to Ariadne how it works. Doing so opens up the possibility that others can manipulate you into making you believe what they want. He did however mention that it belonged to Mal, so it’s always possible that Ariadne never assumed he himself used it, but still. It’s not really clear if the other members new about it too.

And then there is the moment when Cobb finds Saito as an old man. When he is dragged into the room, one of Saito’s henchmen places two items they found on Cobb’s body on the table. A gun and the top. Saito recognizes it immediately. Saito then gives it a spin and it does so without ever toppling over. So Saito must have known of its secret property. If Saito is Mal, that would make perfect sense. If not, then it’s clear the totem had become a public secret to all the members of the team.

And that brings us to the very end of the film. Does it topple over or not? If it kept on spinning, we would know that Cobb was still dreaming. If it toppled over, we would still be guessing anyway. Did it topple over because it really is reality, or because Cobb subconsciously still believes it to be? In Cobb’s case, the totem is nothing more than an indication of his state of mind.

So back to the final moments of the spinning top. What we actually see is the top spinning for a while, starts loosing it’s momentum as if it is about to topple over, but then all of a sudden, it regains its spin again. The table is ruled out as it is too smooth to affect it, so why does it do that?

The answer may lie with the children.

Who will think of the children?

If the whole film is a dream, then what about the children? Are they real? Or let me rephrase that: did Mal and Cobb ever have any children in the real world to begin with? Once again, the film is too ambiguous to tell either way.

It does however seem very strange that a mother and a father could break away from their children for fifty years no matter how perfect their new world surroundings could be. Most parents probably wouldn’t last 50 hours before trying to return to their children. So personally, I don’t think they ever had any real children to begin with.

Then there are the beach scenes. Chronologically, the first beach scene is of Cobb and Mal building sandcastles right after arriving in the original limbo. They didn’t have any children yet and the only time they do appear in this world is when Cobb returns to limbo to get Fisher back. But by then, he was seeing projections of them everywhere.

The second time the beach appears is when Ariadne infiltrates Cobb’s dream. He takes the elevator to the top level, and there we see Mal together with the children building castles in the sand.

After returning to Limbo and letting go of Mal, Cobb now goes after Saito. Cobb once again lands on the beach and when he looks up, the first image he sees before noticing the guard and the Japanese beach house, are his children building sandcastles. Only, Mal is no longer in the picture anymore.

These scenes may illustrate the progression of Cobb’s inner world as all these scenes are memories or at least projections of them. So what’s going on?

Cobb is convinced that inception is difficult. Unfortunately, this is not really true. There is a whole field of science dedicated to studying how false memories are formed. We tend to believe of ourselves that we are logical, rational beings and that our memories never change. In reality, we are everything but logical, rational beings and our memories are constantly susceptible to change. In fact, scientist have now figured out that every time we try to remember a memory, we risk changing it forever (and therefore makes planting false memories possible). It may be that this little oversight on Cobb’s part that makes it so easy for Mal to manipulate him.

It’s very likely that Mal planted the idea that they had children, possibly because they wanted kids or as part of her plan to blackmail Cobb into committing suicide together. And because the idea was planted, Cobb never knew what his children actually looked like.

So at the very end, when the totem is about to topple over, Cobb creates something new for the very first time in what he had believed was a reality he couldn’t control: He finally gives his children a face. And the top returns to spinning perfectly again.

If you enjoyed this, you may also be interested in: Lost Highway explained.

Once in a while, something worthwhile can be seen on television. Yesterday, Canvas not only aired the quirky love story “Steve + Sky“, but  also several pretty good short films. In my opinion, it’s something they should do more often.  Even though shorts are perfect for the internet, they are not always easy to track down.

Passion

One short I did manage to find on the net was actually the Oscar nominated “Tanghi Argentini” (subtitles). It is not the first tango short film I’ve mentioned here, but I guess it’s a subject that lends itself well to telling short passionate stories.

In Tanghi Argentini, an office clerk, after having landed himself a date with a woman he met on the internet,  finds he has only two weeks to learn the tango if he want to make an impression on her. Having never danced before, he enlists the help of one of his colleagues to help him learn the dance of passion. The big question is: will he be able to convince his date he has been a Tango dancer all his life? As with all good shorts, it ends with a twist. So watch it here.

Learning the Tango

While two weeks is indeed very short to master this dance, this is in many ways how it was taught 19th century.  Only, it usually took a bit longer than just two fortnights. Before a young boy could actually step on the dance floor and impress the ladies, he would first have to find a more experienced male dancer to teach him. First he would have to watch and observe the more skilled dancers, than learn how to follow (the woman’s part), and only when he got that down could he be taught to lead. Once he got all that down, a process that could take up to three years, would he now be able to dance with an actual real woman.

You can choose your friends.

Of one of the other shorts shown yesterday, “De Onbaatzuchtigen” (The Altruists / no subtitles), I was only able to find a fragment. You might have heard of the phrase: “You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family”. Well, in this short film, you can. As a matter of fact, every member of the family can be sold or bought as long as the rest of the family agrees. Though never explicitly mentioned, in this society, prestige and wealth is exhibited by the size of a family unit and the qualities of each member. Showing off to the other families is done by the daily walks on the street with the entire family together.

A member of one family, who like the rest, constantly lives in fear that the others will tire of him and sell him off, decides to play his cards in such a way, that only he is left. After realizing he is now alone, he gets himself a dog for companionship. Someone he can trust won’t sell him off if they ever disagree.

Play the Modern Times Game! The idea for this game came to me in a dream. It is based on a scene from Modern Times, a Charlie Chaplin film. It’s the one where Chaplin is working on an assembly line, mind numbingly screwing in bolts with a spanner until he finally goes mad.

What inspired me most is the fact that reality simulation games are ever so popular nowadays, especially on Facebook. I can understand that running your own virtual farm can be considered challenging and rewarding is some way. Having to regularly clean your online aquarium on the other hand is starting to move in Tamagotchi land.

But when I saw my sister the other day playing a game where you have to make hamburgers in a fast food restaurant, that too me just seemed a tad absurd. Nobody enjoys doing this demeaning tasks in real life, yet once it is moved into the virtual realm, it all of sudden becomes fun and games.

And so I’ve created the ultimate reality game. Yes, like Charlie Chaplin in the film, you too can become a factory worker on an assembly line at the time of the depression. In order to play this game, you need to switch your mind to zero and get to work.

Like a real job, each level takes 12 hours to complete. You are however afforded a break half way through during each working day. So it does take some endurance to complete each shift in one go, but keep in mind that you are rewarded for your hard work. I believe the pay is about ten dollars an hour. But the last time I played, the work pace was upped meaning you’ll probably earn more if you don’t get fired for slacking. So it’s not like your earning minimum wage here and it may even be worth giving up your day job just to play it.

Ironically, it takes longer to play a single shift of this game than it took me to actually create it.

Have fun. ;)

Logorama is a pulp fictionesque animation contrived completely out of logo’s. You have to watch it once, and then watch it again, the second time freeze framing a single frame at a time to notice every single detail such as Pink Floyds The Wall or the colonel himself serving at his own KFC and so much more… really well done.

Hello! My name is Anara and I would like to start a conversation with you. I hope that you will answer me. I would like to know more about you and see some of your pictures as well.

I live in Russia and I am 27 years old now. I hope to see the only serious intentions from you, not the game or just the desire to hold your fun time for our conversation.

With respect and a desire to see your reply soon, Anara.

P.S. I hope that we will be able to speak English, the language I know well, but I’m ready to learn French in the future!

One thing I’ve learnt about Russian girls is that they all seek the creation of serious relationships. Though I’m not sure what Victoriya is implying. Is she suggesting we make kids first as a way of getting to know each other?

My name is Viktoriya
I like your profile! I would like to get acquainted with you and I want find out you better. I search for the man for creation of serious relations.
I would like to tell a little about myself, I the kind, fair and loving person, I very much like kids. I am assured we could to get acquainted.

I can send you my photos and tell you more about myself..
I will wait your letter..

Maybe it’s because Russian girls are so into creating things that I find their letters so appealing. I happen to be a creative person too! And Amarina gets straight to the point.

Hello!
Your profile has interested me more than the others, therefore I have decided to write to you. I the usual girl searching for serious relations, for family creation. I very much would like to get acquainted with you.
I hope that you will not leave my letter without the answer.

Apparantly, I’m in some Russian Internet Dating agency database, though I haven’t been able to track it down yet. That would also explains all the love letters. I can only wonder what it says about me to attract so much willful attention. And Tanya is no exception. She’s even offering me the BIG LOVE! How can you say no to that? Though I have to admit, I am a bit concerned for her health. Living in a place called Asbest can not be a good thing.

Hello my friend!!!
This letter arrived to you from Russian Internet dating agency “The Relationships”.
This is not spam or other bad things. So, please, answer to me!!!

My name is Tatiana. I’m 32 years old from small city Asbest, 86 km from Ekaterinburg, Russia.
I addressed to agency “The Relationships” and they sent my letter to you.
I want to search man from THE WEST for friendship and love.
I’m not married and have no children. I’m blonde woman with good body and great heart.
I’m open for big love!!! So, please, answer to me if you have interest to me.
I send my photo to you now. I hope that you will like me…

Best regards,
Yours Tatiana

With so much choice, how does one go about picking the one serious love for family creation? And while I meander on the thought of one day speaking with a girl fluent in Russian Bride English, I wish you a happy valentine’s day and that you may not be left without the answer.

I have long held the belief that washing machines can on occasion become accidental portals, which in turn allows travel to other dimensions. It would explain the missing sock phenomena which states that given enough time, you’ll end up with just one half of each pair.

A possible explanation for this, may be due to the centrifugal forces that are created inside a washing machine when it is in spin mode. That, and the combination of all the amazing advancements they’ve integrated into washing powders to give us cleaner than clean clothes. Together. they may be powerful enough to create mini worm wholes, large enough, that something like a sock could disappear in to it. It’s also possible that larger items of clothing might disappear in the same fashion. But because they usually don’t come in pairs, we rarely notice that they were gone in the first place.

A universe filled with missing socks

In other words, it’s more than likely that a universe, in a dimension other than ours, has been turned in to some kind of giant landfill, full of unmatched socks and other missing items.

It then raises the question, if we can build a washing machine big enough, could we send a person through it? And who would volunteer? There’d be no guarantee that one would be able to return back to our world. And spending the rest of you life between mismatched socks is hardly anyone’s idea of paradise.

Traveling back and forth between dimensions

Well, since yesterday, I may have proof that two way travel between our dimensions is possible! Bear with me: I’ve been missing a pair gloves for over a year now. Yesterday, I decided to conduct a full scale search party in the hopes of finding them, but to no avail. Failing to find them, I decided to collect the clothing items that needed to be cleaned, and placed them in my washing machine.

This morning, as I proceeded to empty it, I was surprised to find my missing gloves between the rest of my clothes! The only plausible explanation is that they traveled more than a year ago to another dimension, and then returned this very morning. Two-way inter-dimensional travel therefore must be possible! I can’t imagine the things my gloves have seen, the places they’ve been. But they did return in good condition, so I imagine that were ever went to, it can’t be that hostile for man.

A small spin for man, a giant cleaning for mankind

So if anyone has any ideas on how to build a giant washing machine, it would be greatly appreciated. For if all goes well, it’s very likely we may be on the verge of discovering new worlds and other dimensions. Or at the very least, all our missing socks.

This architectural short film grabbed my attention once I noticed it included the parliament building in Dhaka. I briefly mentioned it in the TEDx post (it includes a link to the video about its history and the life of Nathaniel Kahn, the architect).

This short however starts with some beautiful architectural imagery. It’s filmed in high definition and best viewed full screen. But just when you think that there isn’t that much more to it, it slowly starts to pull you in as a wonderfully strange imaginary world comes to life. One I wouldn’t mind living in to be honest. I was quite impressed by the camera work and first thought it was done with the new range of DSLR’s that support video while offering more depth of field control at affordable prices.

But I was a bit surprised that one would travel all the way to Bangladesh just to film a building. Then I realized the entire movie was created with CGI. Quite impressive as it was all done by one man, Alex Roman, and a lot of time. That it really is all just bits and bytes can be seen here. Real buildings in an unreal world.

A few days ago, a color conspiracy, enacted by women, swept over the social webs to raise awareness and at the same time, pull one over on us men. So now more than ever seems like the appropriate moment to publish an excerpt from the longest ‘short’ story I’ve ever written, but decided not to complete. (I happen to be working on something more important right now). Never the less, rather than leaving this to collect dust, I’ve decided to share with you these little wisdoms and what fascinating things the colors of lingerie have to reveal:

Little Black Books

One of the main characters in the story –  a man –  has a tradition amongst his friends, that every time one of them gets married, they have to hand over their little black book to one of the left over bachelors. It’s their way of closing a chapter in their lives. And when they do, they also have to write down in it, a lesson learnt, and worth passing on, that gives an insight in to the mystery, that beholds every woman.

Our character happens to be the last man to remain unmarried. As such, he has managed to acquire all the life lessons of his tied down friends. Of course, not all these lessons are to be taken seriously and many of them are either childish, or either clichés, rather than useful real life lessons. The classic cliché among them being that the perfect breast size is a handful. No more, no less. Clichés are the words of amateurs.

So one of the more intriguing lessons he received, was passed on to him by a friend who was a real player in his day. From his experience, every woman has a distinct style in the way she makes love to a man. He never really took much notice to it, until it started to dawn upon him that one can tell how a woman is in bed beforehand, simply by looking at the color of the lingerie she’s wearing.  And so came about the men’s guide to color theory:

The First Principle: What’s hidden, is most revealing.

The first principle of the theory, even though it is based on an old joke,  remains relevant, because it holds a grain of truth:

As a man shuts the door behind him – as he leaves for a date with the girl of his dreams –  he can only wonder if he’ll get lucky that night.

When a woman shuts the door behind her –  as she is about to embark on the same date with the man of her dreams – she already knows.

Women, in general, always have the last say. So when they do say ‘yes’, they come prepared. And that includes all layers of fashion, from the shoes on her feet, to the dress she is wearing, and the undergarments beneath it. You can be sure that of all her lingerie, she’ll pick her best set that will surely make her feel sexy, and at the least, unembarrassed when the time comes to reveal her true curves. Lingerie says more about themselves, than it does about the person they are trying to impress.

The Second Principle: The different styles of sex.

The second principle of the theory states that sex is like dancing. They come in many forms and styles.  Some people are great dancers, others just shuffle with their feet. Some of us will try out different forms, while the rest us will stick with what we know.  So you can always expect that when you place someone who is dressed like hip hopper on the dance floor, he’ll hip hop. Only a few will dare to tango when the music changes. Same goes for sex. Though we might role play and try some different things to add some spice to the romance, it’s hard to leave our distinctive styles of making love to the same partner.

It also explains why a man in a perfectly happy relationship with a very experienced partner would still cheat on her. It’s not that he’s looking for something better. Sometimes, he just wants to boogie rather than salsa all the time. And of course, the same goes for her motives to do the same. But before you start thinking, just keep in mind, that when it comes to sex and relationships, few are as forgiving to ask, you save the last dance.

The Third Principle: The color guide.

Just like one is inclined to dress according to how they dance, so to do women choose their best lingerie in harmony to the way they make love. But until I’ve taken part in rigorous scientific tests to ensure that the given results are indeed correct, these observations are best not taken too seriously.

Scarlet Red:

Scarlet red is young at heart, eager to please, but inexperienced. Her idea of sex is formed by what she has seen on the silver screen, and influenced by what she reads in ladies magazines. Therefore scarlet red acts the part of the seductress, believing that this is the path to passion. She has a lot to learn

Bordeaux Red:

It would seem that the color red turns darker with the benefit of experience. Lady Bordeaux no longer makes love in a fashion that she thinks is expected of her, but has discovered that she too is an involved partner. Sex is no longer an act, but a form of art in which she plays center stage. Not only is she a master seductress, she will equally demand – and will even be quite vocal about it – that her needs are met as well. In return, Lady Bordeaux might even teach you a thing or two.

Black

Black may very well be the most complex of all colors to decipher. A discerning gentleman must take note, not just of color alone, but also of texture and garment, if he is to determine what he is letting himself into.

Plain Black Cotton:

Miss Black Cotton, just like Scarlet Red, still lacks experience between the sheets. But while the one seeks passion, the other is wild and raw. For in the mind Black Cotton – whom has still to discover that her body has much more to offer – sex is a no nonsense affaire. Foreplay is formality. She would much rather get to the point. Intercourse is the climax she’s hunting for and she’ll ride you like a wild stallion to achieve it. Stubborn, she is difficult to teach and unwilling to be introduced new things. Hopefully time will turn her into a better lover, but for now, you’ll have to make do. It takes stamina to endure her lust.

On the other hand, Miss Black Cotton, could also be an adventurer in hostile conditions, wearing black for practical reasons. As such, she may not really be showing her true colors. Did I already mention that black is a tricky color?

Black Lace:

Of all colors, Lady Blake Lace may be the most classic of them all. She enjoys a bit of everything, but not too much of anything. Although not afraid to experiment, she avoids extremes and prefers moderation. In her heart, meaning is more important than style or adventure. She does not have sex, but instead makes love. And so for her, missionary is not just acceptable, but respectable. Her on top is sufficiently empowering. And to spice things up, there is always doggy for a touch of naughty. And to complete the list, a spoon will make her swoon.

And while it’s not necessarily technical skills that will impress her, it’s quite ok to introduce new positions into play, as long as they are not too complicated or straining. Just keep in mind that with Lady Black Lace, it’s the feeling that counts. It’s the little attentions that make her happy.

Black Velvet: (& Violet aswell)

You will need to keep an open mind when faced with little Miss Velvet. She’s a tad eccentric and possibly even borderline fetish. She lives in a spiritual world, one filled with candles and symbolism. Sex is something she takes seriously. For her, setting and mood is important, almost to the point it is ritual like. With her, it’s probably never boring. You might find yourself with her in strange places, or discover that a full moon is a reason to dive into bed, or an open field.

Blue

Blue is for the girl who is driven by her fantasies. She has a clear idea of what she wants and will settle for no less. She won’t compromise for something else. Unlike with Lady Black, Blue really appreciates style. It’s also very likely that the film “Dirty Dancing” was a moment of epiphany during her formative years.

Deep Blue:

Lady Deep Blue’s state of mind can probably no better be described than by Kylie Minogue’s song “Slow“. For making love to Lady Deep Blue is an intense affair, slow, and with each other’s eyes locked in an embracing gaze. She’s not the type to spill any words when making love. One must communicate with subtle gestures as not to interrupt the flow of the moment.

Pale Blue:

Miss Pale Blue is infatuated by the exotic. It’s probably her curiosity that may have initially driven her to try something a out of the ordinary, but along the way, must have realized that men from exotic places not only dance differently, they also make love differently. And in that sense, to Miss Pale Blue, sex is just a continuation in bed of something that started on the dance floor. As such, making love to her is no simple affair. Especially for us men who are accustomed to doing only a single thing at a time. It requires skill, rhythm and agility. Just like any exotic dance, every part of your body has remain in motion and in sync with hers: moving, grinding, flowing, feeling.

And so the next time you hear the phrase “Once you go black, you never go back”, size may not be the real reason, and more likely the initial sales pitch.

Yellow:

Yellow is a sex kitten and a rare find. She is acutely aware of her seductive prowess and knows very well how to put her skills to good use. She has a natural born talent in winding men around her finger using just her charm. Unsurprisingly, most women see her as a threat.

Sex with little Miss Yellow is an experience its own right. One might as well just sit back and enjoy as she takes full control and plays you like a toy. She is very assertive in bed, constantly teasing, seducing and having a ball. Don’t be surprised to find yourself gasping for air as you try to keep up with her antics. And it’s probably because she enjoys sex so much she’s surprisingly experienced for her age.

Mixed Match:

Miss Mixed Match doesn’t really care about how she looks. Why spend time and money on lingerie if it’s going to end up on the bedroom floor within seconds anyway? Miss Mixed is the girl next door, and may even be a little bit of a tomboy. For she prefers the company of boys rather than girls. Sex with her is a playful game: something not to be taken too seriously. She’s the girl who is most likely to initiate a cushion fight while making out and will end up wrestling with, before continuing what you started.

Orange:

Pop open a Heineken and celebrate. It’s very likely Miss Orange is a Dutch girl out on a special occasion.

White

It goes without saying that white is the color of innocence and for whom sex is not taken to lightly. In fact, making love to a lady white is like signing a contract of long term commitment.

White Cotton:

Miss White Cotton is the inexperienced clumsy partner in bed. Her insecurity makes her feel a bit nervous and perhaps even somewhat passive. But that does not necessarily mean you’ll have bad sex, quite the contrary. She’s probably the type that will later evolve into becoming a Black Lace lady as her confidence grows. Success with Miss White Cotton is measured by meaning and feeling rather than by technical skill. With her, something as simple as missionary can be magical. But trying anything too complicated or ambitious may very well end up in disaster.

White Lace:

Miss White Lace is the make-believe virgin. She has probably had more prior lovers than she’s willing to admit, but this time round, she’s sure you’re the one. And you better make sure that is the case or there will be hell to pay. As such, making love to her is a bit of a neurotic experience. A rollercoaster ride. Any hint that may endanger your relationship or make her feel insecure will spell trouble. Emotionally, she’s high maintenance. But if you love the passion of big fights followed by making-up sex, she’s your girl.

Pink or Peach

Miss Pink is naively romantic and preciously passive. If in bed, she shows any sign of initiative, it’ll be for hugs and cuddles. Otherwise, she’ll expect you to take the lead and do all the work. If you don’t know any better, have low expectations or simply love always being in control, then perhaps, she’s a dream. Otherwise, she’ll quickly tire with little chance of the both of you living happily ever after.

Deep Purple:

You Tarzan, she Jane! Miss Deep Purple is a jungle girl. She’s into rough wild animal sex. Loud and energetic, it takes quite some endurance to keep up with her as she shows you all four corners of the room. If you ever wanted to try out every position described in the Kama sutra, she’s probably the woman you want to take along with you on this crazy venture. And a wild ride it would be.

Emerald Green:

Unless she’s Irish, Mrs. Emerald Green is the wedding ring amongst the lingerie colors. She already in a relationship with a partner or a husbands somewhere. So if by chance, you should come across her, it’s most likely she’s just out for a fling. Mrs.Emerald Green is seeking a brief encounter of excitement to spice up her life. Making love to her can quickly become a strange cocktail of fantasy, seduction, control and guilt (and possibly even jealous partners). You just can’t tell what you’re getting yourself into with Emerald Green.

In Conclusion

And with that overview, I leave you with just one final question. What is your favorite color? ;)